A Bar Stool Review of AVATAR

Yeah, that's right, babes. Check out the date of this post: Dec 17, 2009. Brandi Alexandra and i saw this last night in 3-D here in Paris---a full two days before the US release.

Ramblings: A Brave New World
Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how sometimes you drink with popular people? They're really cool and you want to hate them just because everyone else loves them and says such nice things about them and you wanna be different from the rest of the pack, right? Only problem is, when you hang out with them you occasionally find yourself having a genuinely good time. They're not so bad and they like you and care about what you think and do their best to make you happy. Sure, they're not super intellectual and they end up saying the same boring things all the other popular kids say but at least it's not too irritating and after one more drink you don't have the energy to fight the distaste anymore, so you give up making yourself hate them and let yourself have a good time. That's what it's like with Avatar.

Visually, Avatar is magnificent (and if you have the chance to see it in 3-D, don't pass it up). James Cameron has done a hell of a job creating an entire world down to its minutest detail. The images are stunning, gorgeous, breathtaking and i'm not just talking about one or two scenes. Cameron is able to keep it up for the entire 2 hours and 41 minutes, which is bordering on tantric cinema. You will be blown away.

The actors do their job well enough, especially Zoe Saldana (Uhura in J J Abram's Star Trek) as Neytiri, a native of the planet Pandora that i can't stop talking about how superbly James Cameron created, like God.

Awesome cinematography, solid acting...so why don't i give the film more shots? The script and the story. There are no surprises, just the standard storyline and the required speeches. We even get a hint of conservationism, but thankfully not too much. Just because i like wood, doesn't make me a tree hugger.

All in all, Avatar is a groundbreaking movie. It's nearly 3 hours long and you don't notice the time passing. Avatar is fast paced and highly entertaining, even if you do have to fall victim to the requisite trappings of sci-fi/action.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

If you've never sat for three hours trying to get a glimpse of a blue native's nip slip, then you gotta see Avatar. Kind of like some African tribes, the women go topless except for these annoying feather necklaces that stick to their chests no matter what. Swear to god, the babes could be flying on these pterodactyl type dragons, they could be fighting all kind of crazy robots, they could be hanging upside down from a freakin' tree and still those feathers are clamped on like crabs in a hurricane.

Plus, these natives all have nice tails---no, real tails---that have these sea anemone like tendrils when you pull back the foreskin (tailskin?). But we don't get to see them do any cool stuff with it, just connect it to strange animals to control them. There's an implied sex scene but we don't get to actually see Jake Scully (Sam Worthington) get some Na'vi tail.

Zoe Saldana plays the lead Na'vi chick.

The other hottie in the movie was Michelle Rodriguez. i like Michelle Rodriguez. Her acting range is fairly limited to the tough girl roles, but she has cool hair, a pretty-if-masculine face and small boobs. Most importantly, though, is that the girl knows how to party. i wanna get drunk with Michelle Rodriguez. i wanna get drunk with her, do some crazy things in public, get punched out by her and then get arrested with her. That would be a cool weekend.

You know how i love Brandi Alexandra? Well, she said if i don't put up any Sam Worthington photos (the guy who plays Jake Sully) then the only tail i'm gonna get will have a sea anemone in it.

Drink: 0 Shots

At the beginning of the movie, Jake Sully compares waking up from cryo sleep (or whatever sci-fi geeks are calling it nowadays) to a fifth of tequila and an ass kicking.

Then Dr Grace Augustine (Sigourney Weaver's character) takes a shot of something that must be futuristic Pernod, judging from the bottle. When the going gets tough, the tough get drinking.

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Here's the theme song from the movie. Is it just me, or does it sound like Celine Dion singing a song from The Lion King?

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: James Cameron

Directed by: James Cameron

Starring

Zoe Saldana - Neytiri

Michelle Rodriguez - Trudy Chacon

Sam Worthington - Jake Sully

Sigourney Weaver - Dr Grace Augustine

Bottom Line

See it. Especially in 3-D.

A Bar Stool Review of ZOMBIELAND

Ramblings: Nutting Up

Final Proof: 4 Shots You know how the best parties are the parties that start off out of control and stumble uphill from there? Those no-holes-barred affairs that are insane from the get go and get going harder at the drop of a glass? These parties are a series of successful accidents that barrel balls-out like a drunk falling off the edge of the world, all the way down to heaven.  Sure, maybe there's a slow moment while you get refills and catch your breath, but then it's back to hardcore intensity that no one tries to handle because they're so out of hand. That's what Zombieland is like.

Zombieland is a Maximator---Dutch beer with 11.6% alcohol. Maximator has bad taste, doesn't give a rat's ass what you think of its quality and will take you right where you want to go without hesitation. Kickass fun, it's a drink you drink to get wasted as fast as you can, nothing more, nothing less. It knows what it is, doesn't pretend to be anything else and won't let you down when you need it. Much like Zombieland.

The definition of a good movie is that the film achieves what it sets out to do. Zombieland is a great movie. The action is cool, the violence is gory, the dialog is funny... There are a couple weak points, however. Things get a little slow after Bill Murray's cameo (his appearance is one of the high points of the movie). The kid who has the lead (Jesse Eisenberg) is out of his league here, especially 'cause Woody Harrelson shines like he hasn't in a long time and Abigial Breslin (the Sunshine in Little Miss Sunshine) rocks her role. i almost docked Zombieland half a shot because of how amateurish Eisenberg was, but i'm feeling generous today. Besides, i haven't had this much fun in a movie in a long time, and that's gotta count for something.

Before i get carried away, i'm gonna hafta card Abigail Breslin here. She kicks it as the youngest non-zombie, but at 12 years old, she's not allowed past this point.

 

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)


Sex: 2 Shots


The first glimpse we get is a stripper zombie running topless in slow-mo with her tassels swinging hypnotically.

 

 After that, while there is no nudity, we meet 406 (Amber Heard---23) who is very hot, especially before she turns:

i Heard That!

Rounding out the Talent part of our blog is Emma Stone (21) as "Wichita".

For the women brave enough to brave this post, there's Woody Harrelson, cooler than ever:

For those of you who prefer twink chic, especially if they can't act, there's Jesse Eisenberg:

 Drink: 2 Shots

A couple of drink references... The first one is Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) taking shots from a fifth while driving. He pours a shot for Colombus (Jesse Eisenberg), who tosses it out of the truck window and only pretends to drink it. Wichita (Emma Stone) and Columbus (Eisenberg) find a bottle of 1997 Georges de la Tour in Bill Murray's palace and reminisce about 'the old days' before they drink it. Finally, Tallahassee (Harrelson) wears a beer hat. You know, a construction worker's helmet with a can holder attached to each side and plastic tubing leading from the cans to your mouth. Later on, Little Rock (Abigail Breslin) wears it but substitutes Pepsi for beer. Don't believe me? Here's proof:

Rock & Roll: 4½ Shots
The music is so hard core for this movie that i'm giving it a post of it's own as soon as i figure out how to post multiple songs in one player. You get a taste of things to come with the Metallica at the top of the post. Apart from that, the 'tude of the film is harder than even the music. We are talking about, perhaps, the Rock and Roll film of the year here, people.

Boring Technical Crap


Written by: Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick

Directed by: Ruben Fleischer

Starring:

Amber Heard - 406
Abigail Breslin - Little Rock
Emma Stone - Wichita
Woody Harrelson - Tallahassee
Bill Murray - Bill Murray

Bottom Line

Definitely see it.

A Bar Stool Review of: WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

i saw Where The Wild Things Are with the director, Spike Jonze, and the lead kid, Max Records:

Let The Wild Rumpus Start

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know sometimes you drink alone? When it's that time of night, when the music is just right and you're as low as the lights the reminiscences visit like familiar ghosts who want to know if you can come out, come out, wherever you are. You chain smoke your cigarettes and play hide and seek with your soul, feeling around the hole where your innocence lived before you lost it, and it aches like a cowboy & indians war wound that throbs when the rain goes away or comes again another day. Then, for a moment as fleeting as a lunch box dessert, you are young again with all of the fierce goodness, the ripe immaturity, the painful joy of childhood. Until suddenly it's gone, like a birthday candle in a hurricane. That's what Where The Wild Things Are is like.

Where The Wild Things Are is a beautiful movie.

i gotta give credit to Spike Jonze and David Eggers for pulling off the screenplay as well as they did. There are feelings the book only hints at and when you see them onscreen, you understand things maybe Maurice Sendak didn't even see himself. i get this movie in a profound way. i felt what Spike Jonze meant. Where The Wild Things Are is a movie that reaches out and touches you in ways you forgot you could feel.

Here, i'm tempted to go into detail about the symbolism and the message and the characters but that isn't important at all. What is is important is that i can take my twelve-year-old to see this and she won't 'understand' everything that i did but she'll sense it and probably know what's going on even better than i do. Because Where The Wild Things Are is a treat for everyone to appreciate.

Thank you, Spike.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Unless you have a fetish for big fat hairy men and women, there's no sex here. No big surprise when you consider this was based on a freakin' kids' book. So, am i gonna leave you high and dry? You know me better than that.

To begin with, Catherine Keener is in this movie. i think i first noticed her in 40 Year Old Virgin and found her very attractive. Then, while not a sexy role, she rocked as a hippy Alex Supertramp meets on the road in Into The Wild. Anyway, she's got the coolest voice, like smoke over a razor blade, just on the right edge of raspy, and i'll give you a shot on the house if you can name any woman hotter than her at age 50 (!). The proof is in my pudding:

And then we get Lauren Ambrose ('member her from "Six Feet Under"?) who is a 'wild thing'.

For the women out there who patronize me, Paul Dano was a wild thing. He may not be as wild as Lauren Ambrose, but if you like twinks and geeks:

Mark Ruffalo also made a brief appearance as The Boyfriend:

Drink: 0 Shots

Mom (Catherine Keener) and Boyfriend (Mark Ruffalo) share a bottle of red wine before dinner. It may not sound like much but remember, it's more than Twilight 2: New Moon.

Homegrown Photo

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

Ok, what we got here isn't really rock but still, it's acoustic that can approach rowdy at times. i think the thing i like best about it is that Karen O and the Kids' soundtrack sniffs that same line that runs between kid stuff and adult stuff that the movie does.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Maurice Sendak (book)
Spike Jonze & Dave Eggers (screenplay)

Directed by: Spike Jonze

Starring:

Max Records - Max
Catherine Keener - Mom
Lauren Ambrose - KW (voice)
Paul Dano - Alexander (voice)
Mark Ruffalo - The Boyfriend

Bottom Line
See it and then see it again.