Bar Stool Review Of GREEN ZONE

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Moby - Alice

Ramblings: Zoned Out

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink on meth? Sure, it sounds like a good idea at first 'cause you're gonna get the best of both, so you shoot or snort or whatever it is you do with meth and you pop open that beer tab or uncork the bottle of wine or unscrew the bottle of whiskey or saber that bottle of champagne (hey, i know what to do with booze but not meth, so sue me) and then, pretty much right from the get go you feel dizzy and shaky and you kinda wanna throw up and you pray for it all to stop and you want the clock to move backwards so you can either do the meth thing or the booze thing but it's too late so there's nothing left to do but ride it out and tattoo "Never Again" on your forearm so there's no chance in hell you'll try that crap another time. Yeah, it's kinda like that with Green Zone.

Bar Stool Review Of MY OWN LOVE SONG

From the juiced-box but not the soundtrack: Renée Zellweger - This Land Is Your Land

[Press "Play" for an excerpt of the song from the film.]

Ramblings: My Own Song

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you go drinking with a friend? He's not cool or trendy, his jeans are dirty and have holes in strange places, he doesn't listen to the "right" music and drinks Bud straight out of the bottle. He tells weird jokes and he's kind of simple but it's the right kind of simple 'cause he rambles meandering stories when he drinks enough but they're good stories and they make you feel something other people's normal stories don't. His tales touch you and you get this guy because he gets you. He doesn't have any pretensions and you don't really want to introduce him to your other friends, not because you're ashamed of him but because he's too good for people who are gonna think he's not all that. He's a buzz you don't want to ruin by talking about, like not wanting to jinx a perfect drink by thinking about it too much. My Own Love Song is kinda like that friend.

Bar Stool Review Of ALICE IN WONDERLAND

[AllKHallism: Don't mean to get all responsible on you, i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child's film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. Alice In Wonderland: PG. The Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker: NC-18. If you follow the link down the rabbit hole, you have only yourself to blame, sicko.]

Bar Stool Review Of CHLOE

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Great Lake Swimmers - Your Rocky Spine

Ramblings: Chloeeek
Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with flirts? They're cool because they make you feel all special and wanted and they're attractive because they attract; they attract you with these implicit promises of how special they're gonna be for you. It's in the little attentions that no one else gives you like how they look you in the eye when they talk or brush their fingers across your hand when they pass you the drink they paid for or how they only wanna talk about you. They make you think it's all about you until you realize it's not, it's always been all about them and they only care about themselves and how you feel about them. That's when you realize they're not as hot as they seem, just some shallow flirt with no heart. Chloe is kinda like that.

Bar Stool Review Of NINE

From the juiced-box (not) and the soundtrack: Female Ensemble - Overture Delle Donne

[Press 'Play' for the "La La" song. The lyrics: La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la...]

Ramblings: Just Say Nein
Final Proof: 1½ Shots

You know how you drunk drive with Italians? ' Cause i sure as hell don't. This movie was like riding with an Italian granny on her bike over a grassy field. It's more like...

You know how you get drunk with a momma's boy? He sits there simpering in the corner booth, whining about how great he is and how no one understands him except his mom. He's a genius and the more he tries to prove it the less convincing he is so he keeps drinking and that makes him more defensive until he starts freaking bawling right there and drooling long saliva strands into his mug while these hot girls strut around him and fall in love with him because he's a rich and famous tortured soul but he's too absorbed in his pathetic life to notice them and all you want to do is torture his ass for real. Of course the evening ends with a bar fight, when you drag his whiny butt outside and kick it up one side of the alley and down the other.

Bar Stool Review Of CRAZY HEART

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Ryan Bingham - The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart)

Ramblings: Crazy Hurt
Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you get drunk with country singers? They're hard drinkers and chain smokers with voices as rough as whiskey and talk as smooth as beer chasers. They serenade you with tales of daring don'ts and laugh a broken beer mug laugh while they spill their loneliest stories and their voices crack like an old shot glass as they pour their lives out to you. You get drunk on their blues and their booze and the twang in their dissonant existences. You can't help but feel for these renegades with lives as battered as their old guitars and emotions as raw as the rotgut they take to drown their feelings. Crazy Heart is like that.

Bar Stool Review Of SHUTTER ISLAND

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Dinah Washington & Max Richter - This Bitter Earth

[Press 'Play' for something that's nowhere near rock, but will be the most beautiful thing you hear today]

Ramblings: Shudder Island

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you get drunk on Jägermeister in some back alley bar in the bad part of town? The bar is sinister, the people are ominous, the Jäger is dark and a somber buzz descends down on you beautifully, settles into you with macabre intensity that feeds the nightmares running rampant across the vista of your dreamscape. The visions are intense hallucinations as stunning as they are scary, as graceful as grisly, as magnificent as menacing. You're frightened but not afraid because the boatman leading you down your stream of subconsciousness steers with a deft hand and shows you all the stupefying sights before gently guiding you home. Shutter Island is like that.

Bar Stool Review Of SHERLOCK HOLMES

Ramblings: Sherlock Homely

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you drink in strip clubs ? The action is good, the show is nice and the talent is there. You get a few drinks in you, you get a couple lap daces, you get your money's worth of entertainment but then you gotta take a leak and in walkin' back to the bathroom you see it out of the corner of your eyes, you feel it. Once you get away from the show you there's nothing but shadow and smoke: shadows under the curled edges of the tattered carpets and the stale smoke of other strangers' cigarettes. 'Cause at these kind of clubs, they do all right with the show but they ignore the little things that make it real. That's what Sherlock Holmes is like.

Bar Stool Review Of THE LOVELY BONES

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: This Mortal Coil (w/ Elizabeth Fraser of The Cocteau Twins) - Song To The Siren [Tim Buckley cover]

[Press 'Play' for ambiance]

Ramblings: [i will not say Lovely Boner, i will not say Lovely Boner, i will not say...]

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink with psychos? i mean, there are psychos and there are psychos. The first kind is no problem 'cause they come in sporting a suit of rotting fish, pick a fight right away and get thrown out faster than you can say "Is that a spoon in your hair or are you missing a shoe?" That's not the kind of psycho i'm talking about here. i'm talkin' about the kind of guy who looks cool and talks cool but every once in a long while he mutters a strange aside that makes you wonder. And the way he looks at you makes you wonder so you get tense and drink less than you wanted 'cause you feel like you gotta be on your guard at all times so this guy doesn't jab cocktail umbrellas into your eye sockets while you're scoping out the young talent surrounding you. He's a weird one all right. Off kilter enough like you're always looking at him through a half-empty bottle and just by existing makes you feel guilty for being human. Yeah, The Lovely Bones is kinda like that.