Bar Stool Review Of NINE

From the juiced-box (not) and the soundtrack: Female Ensemble - Overture Delle Donne

[Press 'Play' for the "La La" song. The lyrics: La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la...]

Ramblings: Just Say Nein
Final Proof: 1½ Shots

You know how you drunk drive with Italians? ' Cause i sure as hell don't. This movie was like riding with an Italian granny on her bike over a grassy field. It's more like...

You know how you get drunk with a momma's boy? He sits there simpering in the corner booth, whining about how great he is and how no one understands him except his mom. He's a genius and the more he tries to prove it the less convincing he is so he keeps drinking and that makes him more defensive until he starts freaking bawling right there and drooling long saliva strands into his mug while these hot girls strut around him and fall in love with him because he's a rich and famous tortured soul but he's too absorbed in his pathetic life to notice them and all you want to do is torture his ass for real. Of course the evening ends with a bar fight, when you drag his whiny butt outside and kick it up one side of the alley and down the other.

Yep, you got it, another movie that makes me hate being a guy. Are we really the self-absorbed navel lint eating egoists that modern movies make us out to be? On top of that, no one told me Nine is a musical. Where were you guys with my back after all the times i had yours? Y'all know the only thing i hate more than romantic comedies are romantic comedies where they break into song every damn minute for absolutely no reason. And then---did you listen to the song i posted at the beginning?---the lyrics are more nauseating than barfing limoncello through your nose.

Honestly, Nine is like watching two hours of horrible music videos and you can't even turn it off to play a little GTA IV. Am i the only one on the planet who wonders why we have to watch Daniel Day Lewis singing? In an Italian accent? That sounds German?

Swear to god, what we have here is All That Jazz without any of that Jazz.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 Shots

Obviously, the only reason to see this thing is the talent. And by "talent" i don't mean Daniel Day Lewis singing ridiculous songs in a bad Italian accent. i don't mean a 75-year-old crooning about "Folies Berger" in far too revealing attire for a "handsome" woman.

Before i get deeper into this, Brandi Alexandra suggested i just take all the photos and throw them into collages and not to do the individual shots because it would make this post forever long considering all the girls in this. Plus y'all, especially the patronizees, would get finger cramps from scrolling past the pictures and skipping over the text.

Alls i want to say is i can't believe they didn't have nudity in Italy in the 60's, the poor bastitches.

We first see Penelope Cruz (35) singing a song that begins, "Who's not wearing any clothes? I'm not. Who's not afraid to kiss your toes? I'm not." And you thought i was kidding about how crappy the lyrics were. To make it worse, she sings about how she's naked and comes out wearing the teddy she has on in the top picture up there. Sure, it's not bad but it's not better than nothing.

Fergie's (35) highlight was a number where she grabs her own boobs, plus there was a close-up of her skin with goosebumps that made my nipples hard.

Let's talk about Marion Cotillard (34). She's pretty pretty and she's my type of lady with her third-eye mole and everything, but she's missing the magic vibe that rides my wavelength. And i'm sure she's all broken up about it, too. This doesn't mean she's not talented, though. Tell you what, Penelope Cruz may have done a decent job and all, but our little Marion-ette had a more subtle role and rocked it up one side and rolled it down the other. She shoulda got the Best Supporting Female nod, yo. Here's my supporting nod:

Which brings us to Kate Hudson (30). i'm not gonna lie to you, i've been in love with Kate Hudson ever since i saw her in Almost Famous. It's been an on again / off again kinda thing ever since she started appearing in romantic comedies and looking either super hot or super not. Nine was basically all of that rolled into one. Some shots of her brought me back my Kate of old and others simply left me cold. Like all of the other actresses, she sang killer good.

Nicole Kidman is the most intelligent of all the actresses acting as actresses in this disastrous movie because Claudia's the only one with gay-dar for Guido's gayness, and i don't mean happy or homo. Here's the only scene i liked in the entire movie, because Claudia (Nicole Kidman) calls Guido (Daniel Day Lewis) on his crap [copied directly from the script].

GUIDO: In a way - yes - you have this man in the story and he’s, he wants to take hold of everything, to devour everything, he can’t let anything go, or, he doesn’t want to, and he changes direction every day, because he’s lost, he’s dying, he’s bleeding to death...

CLAUDIA: (deflating) And these muses - they fall in love with the man?

GUIDO: Exactly! They fall in love with him.

CLAUDIA: (decisive) I’d rather be the man.

GUIDO: What?

CLAUDIA: I’d rather be the man.

Anyway, here's a fine looking Nicole (42):

And of course there were the Silken Butterflies as well, those gorgeous young women who's flitting appearances are as stunning as they are brief.

Martina Stella (25), a young Italian actress trying to break into the business plays Donatella, a young actress trying to break into the business.

There was also Georgina Leonidas (20), a beautiful English girl who does a great job as Francesca, the "Matron's Daughter". Keep up the good work, babe.

For those of you who prefer pin pricks to the Nines in this movie, i give you Daniel Day Lewis:

Drink: 0 Shots

• Champagne at a ritzy hotel reception while planning the movie
• Daniel Day Lewis & Kate Hudson drink vodka at the hotel bar

Rock & Roll: -9 shots

Babes, all you have to do is listen to any of the songs to get an idea of why i had to wash my ears out with soap.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Mario Fratti (Broadway musical Nine---Italian original)

Arthur Kopit and Maury Yeston (Broadway musical Nine)

Michael Tolkin & Anthony Minghella (screenplay)

Directed by: Rob Marshall

Starring

Marion Cotillard - Luisa Contini

Penelope Cruz - Carla

Fergie - Saraghina

Kate Hudson - Stephanie

Nicole Kidman - Claudia

Martina Stella - Donatella

Georgina Leonidas - Matron's Daughter [Francesca]

Daniel Day Lewis - Guido Contini

Bottom Line

RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! Stay at home and watch All That Jazz.