A Bar Stool Review of 2012

Yep, once again we here in Paris get a movie before y'all across the pond. Here then, is your sneak peek. A little taste of what's in the can. The pictures here are low quality and are only meant to prove that i saw it before you ;-)...

Ramblings: Consider Yourselves Warned
Final Proof: 3 (baby) Shots

You know how you get drunk and go to Disneyland? You walk around siphoning Jim Beam into your Coke Zero and having a good time on a sunny day because you know what's in store for you. The rides are cool, right? You get your kicks, you loop the loops, you ride the beast and almost lose your lunch in Spaced Mountain. You get a taste of "safe excitement" which is like sex when you're married: what you expected but dependable and better than staying at home playing solitaire. Still, your buzz is best before you get there because the thing you remember about Disneyland only after you leave is the lines. Standing around under the tedious sun is a buzz kill and, sure, the rides are a blast, but immediately after the attraction becomes a distraction when you find yourself stood up in line again. This whole monotonous rush, this reliable thrill, this Disney McDonald's is kinda like 2012.

i'm giving this movie 3 Shots but it's a limited time offer. i'm pretty sure i'm gonna come back here in a couple days, after the effects have worn off, and downgrade it a half-shot or two.

Because 2012 is all about the special effects. 'Action Movie' in so many modern films means moving crap so fast it feels the cameraman is a tweaker on a trampoline. You don't get to actually see anything, though. In 2012 you get to watch California fall off the edge of the earth. You get to see the Himalayas drown. You get to witness Sin City go to hell, literally and in hi-def.

The only drawback is the line you have to suffer through to get to the attractions. There are romantic lines, boring lines, and there are ridiculous speech lines between each of the rides that kill your buzz worse than someone slipping you a virgin margarita in a mexican whorehouse. It's not really a huge surprise, though. The guy who directed this piece of work, Roland Emmerich, is also to blame for Independence Day and The Day After, which flaunt the same flaws as 2012. A real guy would learn from his mistakes.

The acting doesn't really help here. That John Cusack has moved far, far away from Grosse Pointe Blank is a Sure Thing. Here, he basically has to Say Anything that will fill the spaces between action sequences. Woody Harrelson was apparently too drunk on the Pabst he drinks in his trailer to hit the mark as a conspiracy theorist who is proven right. The brightest light in this shadow cast is budding 9-year-old Morgan Lily, who plays little Lilly Curtis. A toast to her future, may it be as bright as her eyes...

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

The only thing that even smelled a little remotely like sex in this whole thing was the predictable and completely unnecessary rekindling going on between Jackson Curtis (John Cusack) and his ex, Kate Curtis (Amanda Peet). No nudity. No bikini shots. What does PG-13 stand for? Praise God? Purity Galore ? Pretty Gay?

At least the actresses are hotter off screen than on...

Amanda Peet:

Thandie Newton is hotter than a Bush or Clinton as First Daughter, Laura Wilson:

Finally, there's Beatrice Rosen who plays Tamara, a Russian stacked doll:

Drink: ½ Shot

A couple of booze references...

1. At a Washington DC fund raiser, they drink a champagne toast to raising a lot of money.
2. Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson) drinks Pabst and offers a couple cans to Jackson Curtis. On his way out of the motor home, Jackson asks if he can have another, Charlie says the one he's drinking is the last one, Jackson thanks him and grabs it as he leaves.
3. Blu Mankuma (and if i die i want to come back as someone named Blu Mankuma) plays jazzman Harry Helmsley, who has been on the wagon for 28 years before finding out the world's going to end and starting his new, if brief, life as a reborn drinker by swigging a double Jack Daniels (Black Label).

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots



The only hint of rock music we get is the above song. So yeah, no real rock.

As far as the special effects go, however...total balls out hard as hell rock. Like i said before, the space between the songs may be a little long but man, when they kick out the jams your jams are thoroughly kicked.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Roland Emmerich & Harald Kloser

Directed by: Roland Emmerich

Starring

Morgan Lily - Lilly Curtis

Amanda Peet - Kate Curtis

Thandie Newton - Laura Wilson

Beatrice Rosen - Tamara

John Cusack - Jackson Curtis

Bottom Line

Don't see it. Unless you're thinking about waiting until it comes out on DVD. If you're gonna see it, see it on the big screen.

Oh Yeah!
i almost forgot! Here are some pictures of the male actors. Brandi Alexandra & Nathalie asked i include something for the fairer sex...

John Cusack (Jackson Curtis):

Johann Urb is Sasha: