Bar Stool Review of SAW VI

Ramblings: Déja Vu

Final Proof: 2½ Shots



You know how it is when you drink with circus geeks? The first time is always a blast because you've never seen anyone swallow the worm, break the bottle, then eat the glass. The first time you party with zoo animals is exciting and sweaty and you feel sticky like a university bar floor at closing time and dirty like your first porn film after the thrill wears off. But watching freaks stick spaghetti up their nose and pull it out their mouths wears on you after a while, no matter how new or disgusting their tricks are. You know what emotion to expect even if you haven't seen the routine before. It's like that with Saw VI.

i was a fan of the first Saw, thought it was groundbreaking and was impressed with how, on a limited budget and tiny set, they could make such an intriguing horror movie. The problem is, you can only be truly new once and so i gave up after Saw III -- until this one. 'Course it didn't really matter that i didn't see SIV or SV because there are so many flashbacks in VI that you feel like you're watching reruns.

Those who like the series will certainly like this one. There are inventive ways to die and innovative methods of slinging gore across the screen. There's an aftertaste of already seen, though, and even a couple of story scenes that get boring. i mean, c'mon, no one really gives a script about characterization or exposition when they see Saw. We want blood and guts and if you have to stick something between those, let it be a nubile actress whose clothes are either wet or ripped.

To make matters worse, all the actors went to the CSI: Miami school of acting and deliver each line like a crouching Horatio removing his sunglasses.

Let me be honest here... As much as i'm ashamed to admit it, the thing that really got up my nose about this flick is i'm too philosophical for it. Babes, if i'm too philosophical for something then you know there's a problem.

• How does Jigsaw choose his victims? Sure, i wouldn't want the people he picks to take care of my plants when i'm on vacation, but are these the worst people he can freaking find? You got dictators trying to eliminate entire races of people from the face of the planet and he wants to slowly dismember some poor chick because she was a crack addict?
• Do people really want to live so badly that they'd be willing to eat their own foot, excrete it, snort the waste until they vomit and then swim around in a vat of other people's foot crap snorted nose vomit [btw, this is not a spoiler]? Swear to god, if you, dear reader, ever find yourself in a Saw situation, i'm the guy you want to be competing against because i'll give up right at the beginning.

Jigsaw: Let's play a game. The first one to stick their fist down their throat, pull out their sexual organs from the inside and then cram them up their anus will continue to live. Sure, you'll be so mentally, emotionally and physically scarred that you'll spend your whole life cowering in a corner watching Highway To Heaven reruns, but you'll live. The other one will get a bullet in the head and die in a matter of seconds.

You: AAAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tom Collins: Just hurry up and shoot me, you goofy ass masked mother. i've got an afterlife to live.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot


It's not that the girls aren't hot, they are. Super hot. It's just that you have to look up pictures of them on the 'net to see it.

Let's take Shawnee Smith (who plays Amanda):


Shawnee Smith in Saw


Shawnee Smith out of Saw

Which do you prefer?

Here's a quick look at Betsy Russell (who plays Jill the journalist):





Here's Samantha Lemole (Pamela Jenkins), who needs to get herself out there on the web a little more:





Here are the Silken Butterflies: you know, those beautiful and talented girls who grace the screen with their splendor during their oh so fleeting appearances on film. Here's to hoping we see lots more of them.

The lovely and talented Karen Cliche (Shelby):





This is Larissa Gomes, who rocks even harder than the soundtrack as Emily:







Drink: 0 Shots

Jill sips from a glass of red wine. Once. That is all.



Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

There's a lot of fault i can find with Saw VI, but none of it has to do with the soundtrack. Unless, of course, these songs aren't actually in the movie. i mean, i get the feeling the producers just found a lot of cool tunes and slapped them on a CD, because i honestly don't remember hearing them in the flick. Maybe it's just me; i did drink four beers and a double Zubrowka before the movie, after all. If there's anyone out there who was more sober than me and who can confirm one way or the other that the songs are really and truly part of the movie, i'd appreciate it greatly.

Anyway, here's the lineup:

1. In Ashes They Shall Reap - Hatebreed

2. Last Goodbye - Lacuna Coil

3. Reckless Abandon - It Dies Today

4. Your Soul Is Mine - Mushroomhead

5. Warpath - Chimaira

6. Code of the Road - Danko Jones

7. Genocide/Saw IV [Remix] - Suicide Silence

8. Ghost in the Mirror - Memphis May Fire

9. Countdown Begins - Outbreak

10. Still I Rise/Saw VI Remix - Shadows Fall

11. Dead Again - Type O Negative

12. Dark Horse - Converge

13. Cut Throat - Kittie

14. Never Known - Nitzer Ebb

15. Roman Holiday - Every Time I Die

16. Sinatra - My My Misfire

17. Lethal Injection - Flood

18. More Than a Sin - James Brothers

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Marcus Dunstan, Patrick Melton

Directed by: Kevin Greutert

Starring

Betsy Russell - Jill

Shawnee Smith - Amanda

Samantha Lemole - Pamela Jenkins

Karen Cliche - Shelby

Larissa Gomes - Emily

Tobin Bell - Jigsaw

Bottom Line

See it if, and only if, you liked Saw III, Saw IV, and Saw V.