Bar Stool Review Of GREEN ZONE

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Moby - Alice

Ramblings: Zoned Out

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink on meth? Sure, it sounds like a good idea at first 'cause you're gonna get the best of both, so you shoot or snort or whatever it is you do with meth and you pop open that beer tab or uncork the bottle of wine or unscrew the bottle of whiskey or saber that bottle of champagne (hey, i know what to do with booze but not meth, so sue me) and then, pretty much right from the get go you feel dizzy and shaky and you kinda wanna throw up and you pray for it all to stop and you want the clock to move backwards so you can either do the meth thing or the booze thing but it's too late so there's nothing left to do but ride it out and tattoo "Never Again" on your forearm so there's no chance in hell you'll try that crap another time. Yeah, it's kinda like that with Green Zone.

Bar Stool Review Of MY OWN LOVE SONG

From the juiced-box but not the soundtrack: Renée Zellweger - This Land Is Your Land

[Press "Play" for an excerpt of the song from the film.]

Ramblings: My Own Song

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you go drinking with a friend? He's not cool or trendy, his jeans are dirty and have holes in strange places, he doesn't listen to the "right" music and drinks Bud straight out of the bottle. He tells weird jokes and he's kind of simple but it's the right kind of simple 'cause he rambles meandering stories when he drinks enough but they're good stories and they make you feel something other people's normal stories don't. His tales touch you and you get this guy because he gets you. He doesn't have any pretensions and you don't really want to introduce him to your other friends, not because you're ashamed of him but because he's too good for people who are gonna think he's not all that. He's a buzz you don't want to ruin by talking about, like not wanting to jinx a perfect drink by thinking about it too much. My Own Love Song is kinda like that friend.

Bar Stool Review Of ALICE IN WONDERLAND

[AllKHallism: Don't mean to get all responsible on you, i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child's film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. Alice In Wonderland: PG. The Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker: NC-18. If you follow the link down the rabbit hole, you have only yourself to blame, sicko.]

Bar Stool Review Of CHLOE

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Great Lake Swimmers - Your Rocky Spine

Ramblings: Chloeeek
Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with flirts? They're cool because they make you feel all special and wanted and they're attractive because they attract; they attract you with these implicit promises of how special they're gonna be for you. It's in the little attentions that no one else gives you like how they look you in the eye when they talk or brush their fingers across your hand when they pass you the drink they paid for or how they only wanna talk about you. They make you think it's all about you until you realize it's not, it's always been all about them and they only care about themselves and how you feel about them. That's when you realize they're not as hot as they seem, just some shallow flirt with no heart. Chloe is kinda like that.

Bar Stool Review Of NINE

From the juiced-box (not) and the soundtrack: Female Ensemble - Overture Delle Donne

[Press 'Play' for the "La La" song. The lyrics: La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la...]

Ramblings: Just Say Nein
Final Proof: 1½ Shots

You know how you drunk drive with Italians? ' Cause i sure as hell don't. This movie was like riding with an Italian granny on her bike over a grassy field. It's more like...

You know how you get drunk with a momma's boy? He sits there simpering in the corner booth, whining about how great he is and how no one understands him except his mom. He's a genius and the more he tries to prove it the less convincing he is so he keeps drinking and that makes him more defensive until he starts freaking bawling right there and drooling long saliva strands into his mug while these hot girls strut around him and fall in love with him because he's a rich and famous tortured soul but he's too absorbed in his pathetic life to notice them and all you want to do is torture his ass for real. Of course the evening ends with a bar fight, when you drag his whiny butt outside and kick it up one side of the alley and down the other.

Bar Stool Review Of CRAZY HEART

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Ryan Bingham - The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart)

Ramblings: Crazy Hurt
Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you get drunk with country singers? They're hard drinkers and chain smokers with voices as rough as whiskey and talk as smooth as beer chasers. They serenade you with tales of daring don'ts and laugh a broken beer mug laugh while they spill their loneliest stories and their voices crack like an old shot glass as they pour their lives out to you. You get drunk on their blues and their booze and the twang in their dissonant existences. You can't help but feel for these renegades with lives as battered as their old guitars and emotions as raw as the rotgut they take to drown their feelings. Crazy Heart is like that.

Bar Stool Review Of SHUTTER ISLAND

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Dinah Washington & Max Richter - This Bitter Earth

[Press 'Play' for something that's nowhere near rock, but will be the most beautiful thing you hear today]

Ramblings: Shudder Island

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you get drunk on Jägermeister in some back alley bar in the bad part of town? The bar is sinister, the people are ominous, the Jäger is dark and a somber buzz descends down on you beautifully, settles into you with macabre intensity that feeds the nightmares running rampant across the vista of your dreamscape. The visions are intense hallucinations as stunning as they are scary, as graceful as grisly, as magnificent as menacing. You're frightened but not afraid because the boatman leading you down your stream of subconsciousness steers with a deft hand and shows you all the stupefying sights before gently guiding you home. Shutter Island is like that.

Bar Stool Review Of SHERLOCK HOLMES

Ramblings: Sherlock Homely

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you drink in strip clubs ? The action is good, the show is nice and the talent is there. You get a few drinks in you, you get a couple lap daces, you get your money's worth of entertainment but then you gotta take a leak and in walkin' back to the bathroom you see it out of the corner of your eyes, you feel it. Once you get away from the show you there's nothing but shadow and smoke: shadows under the curled edges of the tattered carpets and the stale smoke of other strangers' cigarettes. 'Cause at these kind of clubs, they do all right with the show but they ignore the little things that make it real. That's what Sherlock Holmes is like.

Bar Stool Review Of THE LOVELY BONES

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: This Mortal Coil (w/ Elizabeth Fraser of The Cocteau Twins) - Song To The Siren [Tim Buckley cover]

[Press 'Play' for ambiance]

Ramblings: [i will not say Lovely Boner, i will not say Lovely Boner, i will not say...]

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink with psychos? i mean, there are psychos and there are psychos. The first kind is no problem 'cause they come in sporting a suit of rotting fish, pick a fight right away and get thrown out faster than you can say "Is that a spoon in your hair or are you missing a shoe?" That's not the kind of psycho i'm talking about here. i'm talkin' about the kind of guy who looks cool and talks cool but every once in a long while he mutters a strange aside that makes you wonder. And the way he looks at you makes you wonder so you get tense and drink less than you wanted 'cause you feel like you gotta be on your guard at all times so this guy doesn't jab cocktail umbrellas into your eye sockets while you're scoping out the young talent surrounding you. He's a weird one all right. Off kilter enough like you're always looking at him through a half-empty bottle and just by existing makes you feel guilty for being human. Yeah, The Lovely Bones is kinda like that.

Bar Stool Review of THE WOLFMAN

Ramblings: The Wolfman's Bark Is Worse Than His Bite

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink with Wolfmen? You think they're gonna be all interesting and have tons of stories to tell and they kinda do but the problem is, you just wanna get drunk and hear all the cool parts but they always insist on telling you the whole long boring story about what happened before they got attacked and what happened after and what happens before they kill and what happens after. The cool parts are cool, sure, but they always skim over them too quickly and then go back to the boring parts. They look great and watching them change is a blast but they're a lot slicker than you'd think and plus they always spill their drinks and run out on the tab. The Wolfman is kinda like that.

You know what? The things that bugged me are bugging me, so i'm gonna start off with them. Like i didn't like how the movie was set in 1691. Nothing cool ever happened in 1691. And Anthony Hopkins is Benicio Del Toro's dad? Right, and for my next trick Samuel L Jackson will play Taylor Swift's father in a remake of Paper Moon. Benicio does a good job as the wolfman himself, but looks kinda silly wearing English dandy clothes and walking around in England in 1691. Just sayin'.

But not everything about the movie was horror-bull. The violence was pretty hairy, even if there wasn't enough of it, and the actors have some bite. i just wish there had been less setting up the action and more action. The film looks sleek, though, and is easy enough to watch.

One thing that's nice about wolfmen is that they're kinda like drinkers. They're nice and well-mannered on the surface, they can go through the whole day like a normal person, but every once in a while they let go and when they let go, man, they're animals.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1/2 Shot

Apparently nudity hadn't been invented in 1691. The closest we come is a quick side boob of Emily Blunt, who plays Lawrence Talbot's / The Wolfman's (Benicio Del Toro) love interest, Gwen Conliffe. Unfortunately, Blunt is pretty much the only woman in the whole movie (apparently girls hadn't been invented in 1691 either). Fortunately for us, Blunt is sweet.

Here's Smokin' Blunt (26):

Here come the Silken Butterflies, those shooting stars that fly across the screen oh so briefly.

Jessica Manley plays a Gypsy Mother:

The gorgeous Olga Fedori (25), she of the killer eyes, plays Maleva's Daughter.

Finally, there's the tragically uncredited Elizabeth Croft, who has a flitting appearance as Ophelia:

For those who prefer Wolfmen to Wolfwomen, i give you Benicio Del Toro:

Drink: 1/2 Shot

Here are my notes about the booze:

• Gets drunk [in a tavern] on magically refilling [glass of] white wine after brother's death
• Drinks from a carafe of whiskey during Scotland Yard interview
• Smith [Hugo Weaving as Inspector Abberline] orders a pint of bitter in the tavern

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Besides the fact that there was no rock and roll in 1691, the violence, though pretty rockin', was also pretty scarce.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Andrew Kevin Walker & David Self (based on Curt Siodmak's 1941 script)

Directed by: Joe Johnston

Starring

Emily Blunt - Gwen Conliffe

Benicio Del Toro - Lawrence Talbot

Hugo Weaving - Abberline

Jessica Manley - Gypsy Mother

Olga Fedori - Maleva's Daughter

Elizabeth Croft - Ophelia

Bottom Line

A lot that's good but nothing great. You wouldn't be missing much if you waited for the DVD.

Bar Stool Review of UP IN THE AIR

Ramblings: Up In The Air Is Down To Earth

Final Proof: 3 1/2 Shots

You know how you get drunk in airport bars? It's not as old-school as train stations and less depressing than bus stations because the people you meet are more varied. For example you got your business people and it's hard not to look on them with a little envy as they skirt lines with VIP cards and sit down before you in seats better than yours to get comped drinks. They're the ones paying sky high prices in the bar because they're saving the receipts that're all gonna be reimbursed by their companies. But they pay for it in other ways like the families they leave behind to suck jet fumes, and smiles as cold and conditioned as the air they recycle when they're flying. Airport bars are designed to make you feel at home even when you know you're not and they're polished and professional but often full to the rim with humanity: talkative help cleaning the floors who address you like they know you, happy couples high on the idea of traveling together and those looking on with only one dry eye because they were once sitting in Business and now they're on Economy and even if they realize they're better off in some ways, they still need that next drink they can't afford but are ordering anyway. Airport bars are cool because of the contrast between the shallow depth of the decor and your closest strangers making it real. Up In The Air is kinda like that.

You want a metaphor? Up In The Air is the story of a man who's happy as hell drinking imported beer and thinks champagne is for wussies. Then he gets a taste of what he thinks is champagne and loves it. Until he finds out it wasn't champagne at all and so he wants to get a bottle for real but no one's there to give it to him and in the end he has to go back to beer.

i'm a big Jason Reitman fan. i thought Thank You For Smoking was cool as hell and even if i thought Juno was a tad overrated, i was with him all the way on that one. UITA didn't disappoint. It's funny and tender in all the right ways because it steers around the storm clouds of romantic-comedy and the turbulence of forced happy endings.

Another cool thing about UITA was how Reitman dealt with the subject of unemployment. In Ryan's (played masterfully by George Clooney) own words: "I work for [a] company that lends me out to pussies like Steve's boss who don't have the balls to sack their own employees." So yeah, Reitman coulda just chosen to use that as kinda a backdrop for the story but he chose to move it into the forefront by hiring real unemployed people who'd been laid off to recreate the moment they were fired. Very cool and very meaningful and a great idea because those 25 people add a lot of depth to the movie.

The normal actors do a decent job. George Clooney (Ryan Bingham) gives his character a lot of character and Vera Farmiga is believable as jet setter, Alex Goran. Anna Kendrick is getting a lot of attention for her role as young exec Natalie Keener and the girl is golden. It's nice to see her in a role that's more of a stretch than Kristen Stewart's high school friend in Twilight, and man can Anna stretch.

Basically, if you're tempted to see this, you pro'lly should. Up In The Air is a trip.

Before we get to the talent, here's a song from the soundtrack. i like it because, if you listen to the words, it makes sense for us drinkers: Sad Brad Smith - Help Yourself

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

There's only one partially nude scene, and that's of Vera Farmiga's body double who's got a nice butt. i knew right away it was a body double, ask Brandi Alexandra, because they never showed Vera's face during the naked part. That's a tell tail sign right there. The UITA Trivia Section on IMDB has Vera saying she doesn't mind being naked in a movie but that she'd recently given birth and "the breast milk running down would have been inappropriate".

So anyway, here's some shots of Vera Farmiga (36) i didn't already exposé in my Orphan review.

Anna Kendrick (24) was super cute in her role of Natalie Keener, especially in the party scene when she lets her hair down, literally, and rocks out. i also already exposéd her in my Twilight: New Moon review so here are some different shots of her.

It's getting harder and harder to exposé Melanie Lynskey (32, who plays Ryan's sister Julie Bingham) after doin' her twice already, once for The Informant and another time for Away We Go. Still, i dug deep and found these:

There were also a slew of those fleeting beauties who flit across the screen in the blink of a wink. Here are those Silken Butterflies i hope to see lots more of...

First up, Adrienne Lamping who plays Tammy, one of Julie Bingham's Bridesmaids.

There's also Meagan Flynn (29) who plays a flight attendant (and wouldn't we all like to, at least once).

And it would be a mortal sin not to mention Erin McGrane, who is adorable as Ryan's neighbor / ex-love interest. If UITA lacks credibility, part of it is that in real life George Clooney would do everything in his power to win back this young lady's heart.

There's also Lanette Fugit (39), another flight attendant, though tragically uncredited.

To wrap this bad boy up, here are some shots of George Clooney (48) for those who prefer fuselage to hangar.

Drink: 2½ Shots

i should probably go a little higher here as there were enough drink references, but i've limited it to 2½ because booze didn't play a key role in the film.

When Ryan (George Clooney) and Alex (Vera Farmiga) meet in the hotel bar, he's drinking a gin & tonic and she's got a martini.

Natalie (Anna Kendrick) gets drunk with Ryan and Alex after her boyfriend dumps her by text message. They drink martinis, scotch & sodas, and then there's more drinking at the Tech party they crash. Hats off to Anna Kendrick who plays drunk with a believable amount of understatement.

The next morning, Natalie apologized for getting carried away, which i liked because i've had to do the same kinda post-binge groveling more than once.

There's also beer from mugs at the rehearsal dinner for Ryan's sister Julie's wedding.

When Ryan's sad, he drinks minibar bottles of Southern Comfort that he keeps in his own fridge in his apartment.

Finally, when Ryan hits the 10 million mile mark, the flight attendant (i'm pretty sure it's Meagan Flynn from above) gives him a glass of champagne.

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

The soundtrack is pretty folky but not so bad even if it isn't rock.

What's also not rock is the cameo by Young MC at the tech party, singing his hit "Bust A Move".


Boring Technical Crap
Written by:

Walter Kim - Book

Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner - Screenplay

Directed by: Jason Reitman

Starring

Vera Farmiga - Alex Goran

Anna Kendrick - Natalie Keener

Melanie Lynskey - Julie Bingham

Adrienne Lamping - Tammy

Meagan Flynn - Flight Attendant

Erin McGrane - Dianne

Lanette Fugit - Flight Attendant

Kelly Bertha - Terminated Employee

George Clooney - Ryan Bingham

Bottom Line

See it, Up In The Air won't let you down.