Bar Stool Review of THE WOLFMAN

Ramblings: The Wolfman's Bark Is Worse Than His Bite

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink with Wolfmen? You think they're gonna be all interesting and have tons of stories to tell and they kinda do but the problem is, you just wanna get drunk and hear all the cool parts but they always insist on telling you the whole long boring story about what happened before they got attacked and what happened after and what happens before they kill and what happens after. The cool parts are cool, sure, but they always skim over them too quickly and then go back to the boring parts. They look great and watching them change is a blast but they're a lot slicker than you'd think and plus they always spill their drinks and run out on the tab. The Wolfman is kinda like that.

You know what? The things that bugged me are bugging me, so i'm gonna start off with them. Like i didn't like how the movie was set in 1691. Nothing cool ever happened in 1691. And Anthony Hopkins is Benicio Del Toro's dad? Right, and for my next trick Samuel L Jackson will play Taylor Swift's father in a remake of Paper Moon. Benicio does a good job as the wolfman himself, but looks kinda silly wearing English dandy clothes and walking around in England in 1691. Just sayin'.

But not everything about the movie was horror-bull. The violence was pretty hairy, even if there wasn't enough of it, and the actors have some bite. i just wish there had been less setting up the action and more action. The film looks sleek, though, and is easy enough to watch.

One thing that's nice about wolfmen is that they're kinda like drinkers. They're nice and well-mannered on the surface, they can go through the whole day like a normal person, but every once in a while they let go and when they let go, man, they're animals.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1/2 Shot

Apparently nudity hadn't been invented in 1691. The closest we come is a quick side boob of Emily Blunt, who plays Lawrence Talbot's / The Wolfman's (Benicio Del Toro) love interest, Gwen Conliffe. Unfortunately, Blunt is pretty much the only woman in the whole movie (apparently girls hadn't been invented in 1691 either). Fortunately for us, Blunt is sweet.

Here's Smokin' Blunt (26):

Here come the Silken Butterflies, those shooting stars that fly across the screen oh so briefly.

Jessica Manley plays a Gypsy Mother:

The gorgeous Olga Fedori (25), she of the killer eyes, plays Maleva's Daughter.

Finally, there's the tragically uncredited Elizabeth Croft, who has a flitting appearance as Ophelia:

For those who prefer Wolfmen to Wolfwomen, i give you Benicio Del Toro:

Drink: 1/2 Shot

Here are my notes about the booze:

• Gets drunk [in a tavern] on magically refilling [glass of] white wine after brother's death
• Drinks from a carafe of whiskey during Scotland Yard interview
• Smith [Hugo Weaving as Inspector Abberline] orders a pint of bitter in the tavern

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Besides the fact that there was no rock and roll in 1691, the violence, though pretty rockin', was also pretty scarce.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Andrew Kevin Walker & David Self (based on Curt Siodmak's 1941 script)

Directed by: Joe Johnston

Starring

Emily Blunt - Gwen Conliffe

Benicio Del Toro - Lawrence Talbot

Hugo Weaving - Abberline

Jessica Manley - Gypsy Mother

Olga Fedori - Maleva's Daughter

Elizabeth Croft - Ophelia

Bottom Line

A lot that's good but nothing great. You wouldn't be missing much if you waited for the DVD.