Bar Stool Review of AGORA

Ramblings: History Is Nothing New

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you get drunk with historians? They tell you a rambling story about a lot of crap that happened before you were born. About people you never met. What's worse, there isn't even any nudity or hardly even any babes at all. Or booze! The only dates you can get are the kind with tons of numbers and everyone has these names no one can pronounce, pro'lly not even the parents of the poor bastards who hafta go through their whole lives as "Dude" or "Babe" 'cause no one knows what else to call them. Plus, you can't take them out for a beer because even if you go "Hey You!", there's no bar to take them to anyway. And apparently only one chick in the whole freaking historical town to try to hook up with but she's pro'lly super tired and she's got one of those screwed up names, too. Maybe some people get off drinking with a historian and listening to his story but i was in the dark and there was no spark to make me wanna learn more. Agora was kinda like that.

The thing i wish Alejandro Amenábar (writer and director) woulda done more of is make the struggle among the religions (Paganism, Judaism and Christianity) more fascinating. It doesn't seem like it should be that hard; there are enough battles in Agora but i found the fundamentals a little too simplistic. 'Gayvus' (really it's Davus) wishy washes back and forth and we're not really sure why, and i thought it a stretch that the religious wars which formed the foundation of Christianity were fought over a smart chick.

You know what this movie neeeded? More 300 and less Troy.

History isn't bunk, just boring as hell. The story here is nothing ground breaking, the way of telling it isn't revelatory, the actors do what's expected of them but aren't able to excavate the script from the depths normalcy. Basically, what we've got here is history textbook film making that doesn't get off the page or out of the ground.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1/2 Shot

i'm being nice giving this a half shot but hell, Rachel Weisz (29) is in this and i want her to be the mother of my children. Not that i want more kids, i just want Rachel to come over to my house and take care of the kids i already have because she's cute and it'd be cool to have her as my babysitter.

Before i throw up the shots of her, here's the blow-by-blow:

• Hypatia (Rachel Weisz)---let's call her 'Hippie'---gives Orestes ('Testes') a hankie covered with her menstrual blood so he stops hitting on her
• A Jewish girl gets her clothes ripped off in a riot scene
• Cute actress in a boat arena play [actress not listed, no photos, not my fault]
• Rachel Weisz's eyebrows rock
• Rachel wears her hair up too much in this movie

In addition, we get a rear view of Rachel Weisz getting out of the bath at the beginning. You know what that means? We get to see a Weisz ass. There's another Weisz ass at the end when her clothes are stripped from her.

Here's what i uncovered on the net:

There was also this really hot slave girl. She didn't have any lines but had very striking good looks. i give you Amber Rose Revah (who plays Sidonia---because of all the freaking unpronounceable names, we'll call her Sit-on-ya):

The other problem with this movie was there were tons of guys and only poor little Rachel Weisz / Hippie (and the cameo by Amber Rose Revah / Sit-on-ya).

Here are the guys, for anyone who cares about guys.

Max Minghella (24) plays Davus ('Gayvus').

Oscar Isaac (30) plays Orestes ('Testes'):

Rupert Evans (32), bastard love child of Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis, plays Synesius ('Sinus'):

Sami Samir plays Cyril (it's ok, i can handle 'Cyril') who's like a little baby Jesus all growed up:

Yeah, i know, too many guys. Next time i'll try to see something soft porn so i got more for y'all...

Drink: 0 Shots

Not much at all. Some bishop drinks wine from a golden chalice.

Then Hippie and Testes drink wine and just after, Hippie gets the flash of understanding that made her famous enough to make a movie based on her. See? Drinking will make you famous.

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

It wasn't rock, but Testes played a song on weird flutes that sounded like a mix between an accordion and bagpipes. Yeah, it was that bad.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Alejandro Amenábar, Mateo Gil

Directed by: Alejandro Amenábar

Starring

Rachel Weisz - Hypatia

Amber Rose Revah - Sidonia

Max Minghella - Davus

Oscar Isaac - Orestes

Rupert Evans - Synesius

Sami Samir - Cyril

Bottom Line

Historically interesting if you're interested in history. For normal people: if they're gonna make us watch this stuff, they should at least add some flair to make us care. Hey, it was big in Spain, if that makes a difference for you.