Bar Stool Review of A SERIOUS MAN

Ramblings: Seriously, Man

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you drink with losers? Not jerks or assholes or anything, but those guys who are crap magnets because if there's bad luck anywhere in the area, it's gonna happen to them. They're the guys who waitresses drop their trays on, whose toes fat people always step on, whose shirts are always untucked, who get the beer that's all foam, who set their pack of smokes in the drink puddle and who always end up paying the tab even if they make the least amount of money. Sure, there's something comical about these kind of people and you even feel some empathy for them because sometimes you feel like you're that kind of jinxed, but are they funny? Not so much. And they're not all that fun to drink with because even if they don't complain, you can't help but see how miserable they are. A Serious Man is kind of like that.

A Serious Man is a serious movie. Sure, it's the Coen brothers but was No Country For Old Men a laugh riot? In fact, A Serious Man is an intellectual European movie, down to the ending. The movie's pro'lly hilarious if you know about Schrödinger's Cat, but i'm just a normal guy who wants to go to the movies. Not to leave you in the dark, this Schrödinger dude got in a battle of wits with Einstein and said that a cat in a box is either dead or alive, not dead and alive until you open the box to find out what the deal is with the cat. We're supposed to know all this and recognize that Larry Gopnik (played perfectly by Michael Stuhlbarg) is both alive and dead in his life. Or something like that. It makes my head hurt, if you want to know the truth.

Ok, there are a couple of cute scenes that'll make you laugh out loud (the bar mitzvah scene is fairly hilarious, for example and the note at the end of the credits was awesome: "No Jews were harmed in the making of this motion picture") plus the actors do an impeccable job, but if this movie was made by Ethan Allen and Joel Blow instead of Ethan and Joel Coen, nobody would be talking about it.

People are gonna tell you that you have to like this movie because it's arty and by the Coen brothers. That if you don't like it you're not hip or smart enough. They'll say you gotta love this movie because it's about Jewish people and hating it is anti-semitic. Don't let 'em. Dare to recognize this is a movie made to wow the critics but not for commoners like you and me.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Take a look at the cast on IMDB. There are a gajillion guys and not enough girls. 'Nuff said.

We do get to see Larry spying on his neighbor tanning topless, but unfortunately it's from a distance. Too bad because Amy Landecker is super hot at 40.

The Woman With Absinthe Eyes

There was a Silken Butterfly in disguise, because the fleeting beauty in A Serious Man was disguised as a homely chick. Thank god Brandi Alexandra spotted the Butterfly hiding inside the caterpillar. Here, then, is Jessica McManus (18).

Jessica In The Movie

Jessica In Real Life

Drink: 0 Shots

Larry's wife's lover brings over a bottle of Bordeaux to smooth things over.

Let me check my notes... Yep, that's it.

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

The movie is set in 1967 and apparently the Coen's were big fans of Jefferson Starship back then. We got three songs by them, "3/5 Of A Mile In 10 Seconds", "Comin' Back To Me" and "Somebody To Love". There's even a Rabbi towards the end who quotes the Airplane. "When the truth is found to be lies / And all the joy within you dies..."

Here's the song on the juiced-box:

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Ethan and Joel Coen

Directed by: Ethan and Joel Coen

Starring

Amy Landecker - Mrs. Samsky

Jessica McManus - Sarah Gopnik

Michael Stuhlbarg - Larry Gopnik

Bottom Line

European critics LOVE this movie, need i say more?

Oh, i almost forgot. Here's the hippie "Comin' Back To Me" if you're into late sixties psychedelia:

Bar Stool Review of AGORA

Ramblings: History Is Nothing New

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you get drunk with historians? They tell you a rambling story about a lot of crap that happened before you were born. About people you never met. What's worse, there isn't even any nudity or hardly even any babes at all. Or booze! The only dates you can get are the kind with tons of numbers and everyone has these names no one can pronounce, pro'lly not even the parents of the poor bastards who hafta go through their whole lives as "Dude" or "Babe" 'cause no one knows what else to call them. Plus, you can't take them out for a beer because even if you go "Hey You!", there's no bar to take them to anyway. And apparently only one chick in the whole freaking historical town to try to hook up with but she's pro'lly super tired and she's got one of those screwed up names, too. Maybe some people get off drinking with a historian and listening to his story but i was in the dark and there was no spark to make me wanna learn more. Agora was kinda like that.

The thing i wish Alejandro Amenábar (writer and director) woulda done more of is make the struggle among the religions (Paganism, Judaism and Christianity) more fascinating. It doesn't seem like it should be that hard; there are enough battles in Agora but i found the fundamentals a little too simplistic. 'Gayvus' (really it's Davus) wishy washes back and forth and we're not really sure why, and i thought it a stretch that the religious wars which formed the foundation of Christianity were fought over a smart chick.

You know what this movie neeeded? More 300 and less Troy.

History isn't bunk, just boring as hell. The story here is nothing ground breaking, the way of telling it isn't revelatory, the actors do what's expected of them but aren't able to excavate the script from the depths normalcy. Basically, what we've got here is history textbook film making that doesn't get off the page or out of the ground.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1/2 Shot

i'm being nice giving this a half shot but hell, Rachel Weisz (29) is in this and i want her to be the mother of my children. Not that i want more kids, i just want Rachel to come over to my house and take care of the kids i already have because she's cute and it'd be cool to have her as my babysitter.

Before i throw up the shots of her, here's the blow-by-blow:

• Hypatia (Rachel Weisz)---let's call her 'Hippie'---gives Orestes ('Testes') a hankie covered with her menstrual blood so he stops hitting on her
• A Jewish girl gets her clothes ripped off in a riot scene
• Cute actress in a boat arena play [actress not listed, no photos, not my fault]
• Rachel Weisz's eyebrows rock
• Rachel wears her hair up too much in this movie

In addition, we get a rear view of Rachel Weisz getting out of the bath at the beginning. You know what that means? We get to see a Weisz ass. There's another Weisz ass at the end when her clothes are stripped from her.

Here's what i uncovered on the net:

There was also this really hot slave girl. She didn't have any lines but had very striking good looks. i give you Amber Rose Revah (who plays Sidonia---because of all the freaking unpronounceable names, we'll call her Sit-on-ya):

The other problem with this movie was there were tons of guys and only poor little Rachel Weisz / Hippie (and the cameo by Amber Rose Revah / Sit-on-ya).

Here are the guys, for anyone who cares about guys.

Max Minghella (24) plays Davus ('Gayvus').

Oscar Isaac (30) plays Orestes ('Testes'):

Rupert Evans (32), bastard love child of Brad Pitt and Bruce Willis, plays Synesius ('Sinus'):

Sami Samir plays Cyril (it's ok, i can handle 'Cyril') who's like a little baby Jesus all growed up:

Yeah, i know, too many guys. Next time i'll try to see something soft porn so i got more for y'all...

Drink: 0 Shots

Not much at all. Some bishop drinks wine from a golden chalice.

Then Hippie and Testes drink wine and just after, Hippie gets the flash of understanding that made her famous enough to make a movie based on her. See? Drinking will make you famous.

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

It wasn't rock, but Testes played a song on weird flutes that sounded like a mix between an accordion and bagpipes. Yeah, it was that bad.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Alejandro Amenábar, Mateo Gil

Directed by: Alejandro Amenábar

Starring

Rachel Weisz - Hypatia

Amber Rose Revah - Sidonia

Max Minghella - Davus

Oscar Isaac - Orestes

Rupert Evans - Synesius

Sami Samir - Cyril

Bottom Line

Historically interesting if you're interested in history. For normal people: if they're gonna make us watch this stuff, they should at least add some flair to make us care. Hey, it was big in Spain, if that makes a difference for you.

Bar Stool Review of THE BOOK OF ELI

Ramblings: The Last Book (Hopefully) Of E-Lame

Final Proof: 1 Shot

You know how you drink with a Christian Fundamentalist preacher? He's all smiles and wearing this nice suit and he looks all shiny and polished and professional but he opens his mouth and no matter how hard he tries it's only after about three or words that he starts preaching away at you and you start beer barfing in your mouth and, sure, you could swallow it but you decide to spit it all over the Christian Funda-mental because he's an asshole and here you are just trying to enjoy yourself and have a good time and he's on his soapbox passing wind in your digs so he deserves the hate you spew all over him. The Book Of Eli is so like that.

Post-apocalyptic movies come in two categories. You got your hyper-realistic The Road and you got your hyper-fun Zombieland. What you got with The Book Of Eli is your hyper-poor The Road imitation remade by religious right Christian Conservatives.

Plus, i won't go into them all here because i don't wanna be a spoiler, but every other scene has at least one WTF moment. Seriously, there are at least ten times you'll gag because there's no oxygen how far they had to go to fetch this crap.

Yeah, this movie chaffs my ass more than leaky beer farts. The good guys are 100% good. The bad guys are 100% bad. Everything is black and white, and not just the color scheme and Denzel Washington / Gary Oldman. Oh yeah, and there's the 100% required 'twist' ending, and i'm not just talking about your intestines. The 'twist' isn't all bad, though, 'cause it'll give you and your date 2 hours of conversation while you go over the whole film talking about how nothing in the entire movie makes the twist remotely believable.

It's not total crap. The blue-gray & white filter worked well and the action scenes were passable. Ok, also Tom Waits shows up. i don't know how they tricked him into participating in this hour and a half religious commercial---i'm guessing he was brainwashed by Christian Science Jehovah's Mormons beside a dumpster in an alley behind a Denny's at 3am somewhere near Albuquerque where they shot this movie and damn, i wish they woulda shot this movie, shot it dead three times in the head to put it out of my misery.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

There's a rape and a half in The Book Of Eli. i hate rape scenes in movies. They're just a shortcut---at the expense of women---to setting up characters as bad guys. Rape scenes show a lack of imagination and, as everyone knows, i'm all about imagination. And women. Hot women. And sex. Any kind of sex. Rape has nothing to do with sex or hot women so it has no place in films.

No nudity in The Book Of Eli, either.

We do get some Mila Kunis (26), which is pro'lly the next best thing...

Speaking of cool, Jennifer Beals shows up here, looking almost as hot at 46 as she did in Flashdance.

As for the Silken Butterly (that fleeting image of beauty flitting across the scene in the break of a heart), The Book Of Eli offers us up stunt woman Heidi Pascoe, aka "Middle-Aged Woman".

Just in case some babes have stumbled into this post, i've got some dark chocolate (55) for you to nibble on...

...and a 51-year-old white 'russian' [ok, he's British but it's kinda the same thing, right?] for you to nurse.

Drink: 0 Shots

Unless you count 'water', and i don't unless it accompanies Scotch.

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Are you freaking kidding me? The Bee Gees for chrissakes.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Gary Whitta

Directed by: The Hughes Brothers (Albert & Allen)

Starring

Mila Kunis - Solara

Jennifer Beals - Claudia

Heidi Pascoe - Middle-Aged Woman

Denzel Washington - Eli

Gary Oldman - Carnegie

Bottom Line

Pretend this movie is like life after the apocalypse: Shoot yourself in the head to spare yourself the misery of experiencing it.

Bar Stool Review of MR. NOBODY

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Wallace Collection - Daydream

Ramblings: Mr Sumpin'

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink with a freak, someone truly unique? He talks about crap you don't know if it's over your head or is complete BS but for the most part you don't care as long as he looks cool and his bull doesn't get in the way of your sh*t. There's also this pressure to like the guy because he's kinda intellectual and if you don't wanna hang with him it means you're probably a little slow. Sometimes you wonder if the weirdo is just acting that way to be different or if he actually believes the babble he's spewing but time flows as smoothly as the booze and you don't check your watch so you might as well sit back and enjoy the ride. Mr. Nobody is that kind of unique.

Mr. Nobody is a movie about choices and about how alternate lives get led no matter what the choice made is. Like i could be in a bar and chose to drink a pint of Heineken, a bottle of red, or a coke. In "La La Land" all of those choices are made and all the separate me's go on to live their separate lives, ad nauseum (especially if i drink the bottle of wine and chose to keep drinking).

There's a lot of what Brandi Alexandra and i label "Woo-Woo Sh*t" going on in Mr. Nobody but most of the time the flick looked so damn good that the philosophy didn't get in the way of a good time. i'm not going to lie to you, Mr. Nobody is super philosophical and touches on quantum physics, the butterfly effect and string theory. It's all presented clearly enough but there's a lingering aftertaste of, "So what, none of this changes how i gotta pee after three beers."

What i'm saying is, don't see this movie buzzed, it's hard enough to follow even when your dead sober. Because the movie doesn't go in a straight line but in beautifully drawn circles and curlicues. There is no clear picture, even if the overall design is pretty. Still, considering all the risks Jaco van Dormael took with the directing, he could've gone out on a few more limbs with the story.

So yeah, it's worth seeing if you don't take it too seriously. Or, it's worth seeing if you take it very seriously. If you're just looking for something shiny and pretty to pass the time, choose to pass this one by.

Before we get in any deeper, i carded Clare Stone, who does a magnificent job as Elise at 15, and i couldn't find her birthdate anywhere. 'Cause of that i'll post her photos here---she's not allowed to go any further.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1/2 Shot

There's this crazy trend to have all these super hot girls in movies and to keep them as clothed as a sober Eskimo eating ice cream at Christmas. Seriously, you know what action we get here? Jared Leto nipple action. Twice. Just sayin'.

Diane Kruger (33), almost unrecognizable as a brunette, plays Anna gorgeously. The gorgeous part was easy, the acting part is pure talent, yo.

Sarah Polley (31) does a solid job of playing a whack job that resembles quite a few of my exes.

Coming in as the third wife, we've got Linh Dan Pham (36), Vietnamese but raised in France.

Playing Anna at 15, we got British actress Juno Temple who, at 20, is 5 years off the mark.

In a totally understated role (i'm not sure what i mean by this but i read it on a real blog somewhere and thought it sounded intelligent), there's Natasha Little (40) as Nemo's Mom:

Here are some of those Silken Butterflies that flit across the screen as briefly as they are beautiful:

Sarah Gravel was 'Sad Woman':

Here's Christelle Cornil (32---she was rockin' as Coma nurse 1, which means she kicked Coma nurse 2's ass) in The Bar None:

After that we have a little one for the ladies. A lot of web sites have been ripping poor little Jared Leto (38) a new one but i think he did a solid job here playing nine different roles. Sure, the makeup helped but he held his own and so y'all gotta stop hating on him just because he has more hair than you.

IN AN EXCLUSIVE SCOOP: i offer here irrefutable evidence that Jared Leto is, in fact, Jim Carrey and Jake Gyllenhaal's gay love child. Watch...

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Here are some Jared shots...

Drink: 0 Shots

Not even a reference to drinking. Dry as a bone, babes. Wait, one of the songs is The Andrew Sisters doin' "Rum & Coca Cola". Yeah, like that counts for somethin'. Me doin' all The Andrew Sisters while they're messed up on Rum & Cokes...now that would count for something.



Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

Speaking of music...

Because Mr. Nobody is all about choices, you get to choose what to listen to as you polish off this blog.

Either Nena - 99 Luftballons

Or The Pixies - Where Is My Mind

Both are in the movie so either one counts.

While the music in Mr. Nobody isn't really rock, the songs they used were super eclectic and all kinds of styles. I'ma tell you something: The best thing about the movie is pro'lly the music 'cause the director, Jaco van Dormael, did an excellent job of matching the music to the feeling of the scene. Like Otis Redding's "For Your Precious Love" when young Nemo falls in love for the first time. Dead on.

The problem is, in Mr. Nobody the director hired one of his relatives to write the music and you can't believe how impossible it is to find a simple list of the real songs they borrowed for this freaking thing. Thank god for Brandi Alexandra who told me to do search in French. i found the following on some obscure blog and had to add a couple songs myself that were missing so i can't swear this is a complete list. Seriously though, you better read this whole list and freakin' memorize the damn thing 'cause you can't imagine how many hours i spent lookin' for it and what a pain in the ass it was to type it all up. Swear to god.

• Otis Redding - For Your Precious Love
• Cecilia Bartoli - Casta Diva
• Daniel Varsano - Troisieme Gymnopedie
• The Chordettes - Mister Sandman
• Emmylou Harris - Mister Sandman
• Gob - Mister Sandman
• Michel Simone - Pavane Op. 50
• The Academy Of St. Matrtin In The Field Chorus - Pavane OP. 50
• Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)
• Johann Sebastian Bach - Prelude
• Pixies - Where Is My Mind?
• Wallace Connection - Daydream
• Nena - 99 Luftballoons
• Ella Fitzgerald - Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall
• Mstislav Rostropovich - Canto Primo (Sostenuto E Largamente)
• Henryk Gorecki - Three Pieces In Old Style
• Pascal Rogé - Gnossienne 3
• Eugenie de Mey - What Power Art Thou
• The Andrew Sisters - Rum And Coca Cola
• Benjamin Britten - Sentimental Saraband Poco Lento E Peasnte

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Jaco van Dormael

Directed by: Jaco van Dormael

Starring

Diane Kruger - Anna

Sarah Polley - Elise

Linh Dan Pham - Jean

Juno Temple - Anna age 15

Clare Stone - Elise age 15

Natasha Little - Nemo's mom

Sarah Gravel - Sad woman

Christelle Cornil - Coma nurse 1

Jared Leto - Nemo Nobody

Bottom Line

If you think $58 million for an experimental movie makes perfect sense, then you have the perfect mindset for Mr. Nobody.