Bar Stool Review of GIGANTIC

Ramblings: Gig-Antics

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you drink with a weird drunk? He goes off on this rambling story about his daily life which is not surprisingly unsurprising but just when you figure out where he's going with his monologue he drops an ice cube in your beer. Like he starts talking about how he's found a black grass bug in every bottle of Blue Moon he's ever bought. Or how he's haunted by a little boy wearing a bright red banyan that only comes out when he's taking a dump. And then he goes back to talking about vegetable shopping or the girl that turned him down at the pay phone near the cigarette machine. You can never really figure him out and that kinda gets up your nose but at the same time it makes him more interesting than anyone else in the bar. Gigantic is like that.

Gigantic was a little over my head, to tell you the truth, but i liked it anyway. The story was pretty cut and dry but there were aspects of it that were so out of joint that they had to be there for a reason. Like metaphors and stuff. i hate it when i can't figure out metaphor. At least the film was a truly indie film (Paul Dano himself is one of the executive producers) and truly quirky compared to the pseudo-alternative 500 Days of Summer. Not as cute or funny as Juno or Little Miss Sunshine, Gigantic is certainly weirder---closer, in fact, to Donnie Darko. Now, if i could only care enough about the film to want to see it again and figure the weird crap out.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 Shots

The three shots here are all filled by a brief, distant and too-dark scene of Zooey Deschanel (almost 30) topless in her panties on a diving board. Even without that and her appearance in a black teddy where her cute little moon cheeks wax out the back, Zooey is still fun as hell to look at. She's got this natural brewed charm that Lowie lights up the screen like a mellow beer buzz and makes her one of life's simple pleasures to just watch.

Apart from a scene with three guys in a massage parlor with mini Arabian tents pitched over their poles, the 'sex' in this movie was limited to the cuteness of the actresses and not what they did with it.

For example, there were some all to brief scenes with Leven Rambin (19):

In the minor role of Happy Lolly's (Zooey Deschanel) sister, Melanie, we're treated to Susan Misner (38), who does a good job with the 'C' word.

While John Goodman is cool as all get out in his role of Happy's father, i'm not gonna post any pictures of his speedo getting tsunamied by his tidal belly. Instead, we get a few Paul Dano (25) shots for those of you of the female persuasion who've wandered in today.

Drink: 1 Shot



One tall shot, like the shot glass Happy feeds Brian Weathersby (Dano) vodka shots from.

Here's the rum down of my notes.

• Wine in a carafe at a fancy French meal
• Bottle of Chateau Margaux at [another] lunch
• Harriet drinks imported beer with a delivery guy named Octavio
• Champagne toast at an adoption shower

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

There's some soft, breathy folk songs and the rap that Brian listens to in his headphones in the opening sequence but nothing other than that.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Matt Aselton and Adam Nagata

Directed by: Matt Aselton

Starring

Zooey Deschanel - Harriet 'Happy' Lolly

Susan Misner - Melanie Lolly

Leven Rambin - Missy Thaxton

Paul Dano - Brian Weathersby

John Goodman - Al Lolly

Bottom Line

Not worth seeing in the movies but a good rental if you're intrigued.

Bar Stool Review of ORPHAN

From the juiced-box and the movie [Guitar Hero scene]: Cheap Trick - Surrender

And yeah, i know, for all my bragging about movies i get to see before y'all, this one has only just come out in Paris and it was released last summer in the Sates. Now you get why i boast on those rare occasions i get the shot.

Ramblings: M-Orphan Than A Barrel Of Monkeys
Final Proof: 2½ Shots 

You know how you drink with cool kids in their house? They've got these vapid parents and insipid siblings and porcelain knick-knacks that sit bored on the shelf. The music is monotonous and the second hand on the grandfather clock is too tired to budge. The air is dead, the light is dying, the dog is slow, the beer is flat, the gin is swill and the rum is runs of the mill. Still, there's the one kid who's quick as a Zippo, cute as a butt 'n' funny as hell. i mean, the kid's not so great you forget you feel like you're treading water in quicksand but at least you're entertained enough you don't need to drink yourself as unconscious as the wallpaper. Orphan is kinda like that.

i wasn't too terribly impressed by Orphan and i'm gonna blame it on Jaume Collet-Serra, the director. He sets the pace right at the very beginning with a dream sequence and i hate dream sequences. They're a quick cop out to get something exciting going without forcing consequences on anyone. This is just one cheap trick [hey! maybe that's why "Surrender" is in the movie!] Collet-Serra pulls from his bag of cheap tricks. Orphan is a lesson in horror movie directing clichés, from the close ups on the face to the tight shots on the backs so we have no idea what's happening in the room, from snatching back shower curtains to the loud blasts of music telling us when we should be startled. The suspense is efficient, but Jaume breaks no new ground here.

Not to mention the cascade of WTF? moments:

Ooh, i'm in the hospital and i have my I-Phone right here that i just got a call from Estonia on and they told me my daughter is a whackjob serial killer... What should i do? Call the police? No, call my husband, who's at home with the girl. He doesn't answer... Should i call the police now? No, i know, i'll wait until i get dressed and run out of the hospital and find my car in the parking lot and start driving home and then, when i'm speeding down an icy road in a snowstorm, that's when i'll call 911.

WTF!?

But Orphan wasn't a total buzz kill. There was Vera Farmiga doing a more than solid job as Little Orphan Baddie's new mom, Kate Coleman. There was Peter Sarsgaard holding up his end as best he could as Raggedy Brigandy's daddy (and i'd love it if one of y'all could tell me where i know this actor from---yes, i've checked imdb up, down and all over). But man of all mans, Isabelle Fuhrman impressed the hell out of me.

She filmed the part of Esther when she was freaking 11 years old and she owned the role, drove it around and took it to town. She absolutely absorbed all of the intricacies of the character. The part didn't require a lot of range but man, did she go deep. Remember Nathalie Portman in Léon: The Professional? Remember Kirsten Dunst in Interview With A Vampire? Carve it in the bar: We're gonna be hearing as much from Isabelle Fuhrman as we do about those other girls.

Vera Farmiga & Isabelle Fuhrman

Speaking of Isabelle, she's now 12 years old, which means she gets carded here. Nothing age inappropriate going on here.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

Move along, nothing to see here---literally.

Here's the notes i jotted:

• A shot of boys in a tree house looking at a Playboy
• Vera sex scene from the waist up in a bra
• Cool erotic paintings [all over Esther's bedroom walls]

Here's a peek at what Vera Farmiga in a bra looks like...

There's also a silken butterfly, one of those beautiful visions that flit fleetingly across the screen. Lorry Ayers portrays a milf hitting on Esther's father in a playground...

Here's a little one for the ladies (and the undecided):

Drink: 1½ Shots



A quick thumb through my notes:

• Mother is a non-practicing alcoholic
• She doesn't want to go to AA [she quit alone]
• She stops herself from drinking wine [twice]
• Later we learn that she quit after passing out and her daughter fell into a pond [rescued by father]
• Beer at dinner for dad
• Father downs a bottle of wine by himself
• He gets way more [messed] up on one bottle than me

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

On Guitar Hero we get the Cheap Trick above. The other song is "Re-education (Through Labor)" by Rise Against. Here it is for ya.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: David Johnson (screenplay) and Alex Mace (story)

Directed by: Jaume Collet-Serra

Starring

Isabelle Fuhrman - Esther

Vera Farmiga - Kate Coleman

Lorry Ayers - Joyce

Peter Sarsgaard - John Coleman

Bottom Line

See it, just so you can say you saw Isabelle Fuhrman back when...

A Bar Stool Review of IT'S COMPLICATED

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: David Bowie - Rebel, Rebel

Ramblings: It's Not That Complicated, Or Interesting
Final Proof: 1 Shot

You know how you go over to your best friend's house and he's not there but his mother is and she's been sipping white wine most of the afternoon so she encourages you to wait on the living room sofa? She's not all that attractive but you want to be polite and plus you got nothing else going on so you plop yourself down. She doesn't offer you anything to drink and, fortunately, she doesn't hit on you which is also kind of a drag because all she does is keep refilling her glass and get all maudlin while she goes over the details of her divorce and the drunker she gets the more information she feeds you. You start to think maybe you shouldn't have sat down because there's not a whole hell of a lot to do and you could head off to the bar or hook up with another friend or pick up a six-pack and a couple Taco Bell Value Menus and hang out in a park with your favorite radio station on and the windows down. Anything's gotta be better than listening to her maniacal giggling, right? That's kinda the way it is with It's Complicated.

i agreed to see It's Complicated with Brandi Alexandra because the reviews weren't so bad, i thought i could use it as a bargainning chip to see Orphan with her (but she told me, after we saw the movie, that she's ditching me for Orphan to hang out with a friend of hers) and i love trashing romantic comedies.

It's Complicated was no exception. i mean, we're talking the same director who did The Holiday for chrissakes. There was some originality in the idea of it being a divorced couple, but that's not enough to break the framework of romantic cronies that Nancy Meyers herself helped construct with Something's Got To Give. Like rom-coms aren't boring enough, they gotta make them with old people as well. Just because they got tons of money to spend and no old fart movies to spend it on.

Man, just give me a six-pack and Taco Bell.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 0 Stars

It goes without saying that Maryl Streep does a solid job but maybe the limitations of the role, or of the director, keep her from shining as brightly as she usually does.

Thankfully, the only partially undressed scene we get of her is a shot with her dress off her shoulder and one cup of her geriatric bra. Sure, she's still handsome for a woman her age (60) but let's get real.

On the brighter side, we get Lake Bell (30). Lake is cool. i liked how in some scenes it looked like god, after doing her boobs, got tired making her face halfway through and cut corners on her chin. It adds charm.

Zoe Kazan has a couple brief appearances as Gabby, the youngest daughter. Which means we got a 26-year-old playing an 18-year-old.

In the role of the oldest daughter, Lauren, we're treated to a relative newcomer. Caitlin Fitzgerald has done a couple spots on series and minor roles (like "Young Woman" in Taking Woodstock) and though her role here is heftier, she carries it off with talent and grace, proving she's ready to move onward and upward.

Drinking With Tom Collins In The Bar

To finish off, we get a couple Silken Butterflies, those beautiful visions that flit briefly across the screen in the break of a heart. A toast to their future successes.

Rosalie Ward as "Biltmore Reception Clerk".

Here's Marina Squerciati:

For  Brandi Alexandra (and the other babes in the Bar None), i came up with a couple shots for you, too.

Traditional sex symbol: Hunter Parrish (22)

Indie sex symbol: John Krasinkski (30)

Drink: 2 Shots

Quite a few drink references, actually. For example, they couldn't eat a freakin' meal without corking at least one bottle of wine, usually white.

Also, the movie opens with a party and a champagne toast to anniversaries, plus there's more champagne at a graduation lunch.

The reason i went all the way up to two shots, though, is because the pivotal moment of the movie is based in booze. Jane (Meryl Streep) and Jake (Alec Baldwin), a divorced couple, get back together again because they meet in a hotel bar and get trashed together. Jane starts off with a dry Tanqueray martini with twist before she and Jake pound at least three bottles of wine and top it off with a cognac. After they do the deed, and we get to see Alec Baldwin's gorilla hairy chest in bed, Jane leans over and pukes in the nightstand. Then she goes to the bathroom to finish the recycling.

Tanqueray Martini With A Twist

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

There are a couple parties with some real music (like the Bowie up top) and then we get stuff like Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers, "Don't Do Me Like That".

i'm not sure how much this qualifies as 'rock', but i know Brandi Alexandra likes it and so someone else may, too.

Fine Young Cannibals - Good Thing

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Nancy Meyers

Directed by: Nancy Meyers

Starring

Meryl Streep - Jane

Lake Bell - Agness

Caitlin Fitzgerald - Lauren

Zoe Kazan - Gabby

Rosalie Ward - Biltmore Reception Clerk

Marina Squerciati - Melanie

John Krasinski - Harley

Hunter Parrish - Luke

Alec Baldwin - Jake

Steve Martin - Adam

Bottom Line

Don't see it. You might get chick flick points if you take a date, though.