A Bar Stool Review of TWIGHLIGHT SAGA 2: NEW MOON

New Moon is Anemic

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Done All Wrong (Music to read by)

Ramblings: New Moon Bites Then Sucks

Final Proof: 1½ Shots

You know how you drink with vampires? A new one comes into the bar every minute and there are so many of them because people will always want to be accepted and they figure if they join a vampire clique they'll be automatically cool. What they don't realize is every group has losers and leaders, the ins and the outs, the cool and the cold. An ass in a vampire costume is not hip, just an anemic in a black suit. Some vampires suck and others suck. The Twilight Saga: New Moon sucks, even if it is a vampire movie.

Have i told you i'm a vampire? Yeah, i don't talk about it much but i'm among friends here. i'm not the kind of vampire that puts on makeup, drinks Bloody Marys and wears my dead heart on my sleeve as i sulk around twisting my soul all day. i'm the kind of vampire that'll get you drunk and suck your innocence right out of you. Point being, i'm more generous with vampire movies than any other genre. The problem is, New Moon isn't a vampire movie, it's a teen romance. Twilight School Musical without the music.

Even Brandi Alexandra hated it, and she never hates movies.

i'm not gonna drive a stake in New Moon. Making fun of the tragic script, pale special effects and acting that basically boils down to one facial expression shot at different angles for over 2 hours is just too easy for my mad skills. Instead, i'd like to address all the younger vampires who have just walked into the bar.

Kids, vampires are alcoholics. They both need to drink to live, live mostly at night, are social outcasts labelled as monsters, feel like crap in the morning, have difficulties in relationships with those who are not of our kind... If you really want to be a vampire, the best way to start is to step up to the bar and let me pour you a glass of blood red wine.

Before we go deeper into the Den of Iniquity, i'm gonna have to card Dakota Fanning here. At 15, she's jailbait, but does a better job with her brief appearance than any of the others she shares the screen with.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

No nudity in the movie. Nothing even approaching nudity. Nothing even thinking about having a layover in the same country as nudity. Honestly, the hottest thing about this movie is knowing that Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning kiss each other in the upcoming film, The Runaways (due out next year).

The New Moon talent is in the beauty, not on the screen. So go ahead and enjoy these pictures for free instead of shelling out 10 bones to see 2+ hours of crap.

Kristen Stewart has this great mouth with Cupid bow lips, and i also like her voice, which is pretty raspy for a 19-year-old. Imagine how cool she'll sound when she starts smoking and drinking whiskey older than she is...

Kristen Stewart Let's Me Know What She Thinks Of My Review

Anna Kendrick plays Jessica, Bella's high school friend. Kristen Stewart is 19 tears old, playing an 18-year-old. Anna, however, is 24 but looks cute dressing up like a teenager.

The other high school friend is 19-year-old Christian Serratos:

Ashley Greene (22) plays a Cullen kid vampire, Alice.

Rachelle Lefevre (30) is the badass vampire Victoria:

The fact that i don't remember her or her character (Rosalie Hale) neither prevents Nikki Reed (21) from being in the movie or me from posting a pic:

Ready For the Bar None

Finally, a silken butterfly. Model Noot Seear makes a brief appearance as Heidi, a chick who leads tourists to slaughter. Here's to hoping we see lots more of her:

In keeping with the repeated requests from the female patrons, i believe there were some guys in this movie.

Robert Pattinson:

And another guy named Taylor Lautner:

Shirt On

Shirt Off

Drink: 0 shots

The word 'beer' is pronounced once in the movie, when a motorcycle hood tries to pick up Bella.

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

The soundtrack is pretty decent, and fills out something like this...

1. Death Cab For Cutie - Meet Me On The Equinox
2. Band Of Skulls - Friends
3. Thom Yorke - Hearing Damage
4. Lykke Li - Possibility
5. The Killers - A White Demon Love Song
6. Anya Marina - Satellite Heart
7. Muse - I Belong To You [New Moon Remix]
8. Bon Iver & St. Vincent - Rosyln
9. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club - Done All Wrong
10. Hurricane Bells - Monsters
11. Sea Wolf - The Violet Hour
12. Ok Go - Shooting The Moon
13. Grizzly Bear (with Victoria Legrand) - Slow Life
14. Editors - No Sound But The Wind
15. Alexandre Desplat - New Moon (The Meadow)

The trippy thing is, i'm not a huge Robert Pattinson fan because the only gift he has for acting is his good looks. Imagine my surprise (and chagrin), then, when i found out he's an extremely talented singer. On top of that, i love the style of song he sings. It makes me feel like a teenage girl to say i'm a Rob Pattinson (he bills himself as 'Rob' when it's for singing) fan, but there you have it. We can't choose the music we like... Let me know what you think.

Boring Technical Crap
Written by:

Stephenie Meyer (the novel)

Melissa Rosenberg (the screenplay)

Directed by: Chris Weitz

Starring

Kristen Stewart - Bella Swan

Anna Kendrick - Jessica

Christian Serratos - Angela

Ashley Greene - Alice Cullen

Rachelle Lefevre - Victoria

Nikki Reed - Rosalie Hale

Dakota Fanning - Jane

Noot Seear - Heidi

Robert Pattinson - Edward

Bottom Line
Don't see it.

A Bar Stool Review of THE PRIVATE LIVES OF PIPPA LEE

i Regret That She Had But One Life To Give

Ramblings: The Lives Of Pippa Lee's Privates (Porn Title)

Final Proof: 1½ Shots

You know how sometimes you drink with chicks and there's this one babe who's pretty enough and she starts talking about her life and makes you believe she's had this wild existence because she believes it so much? So you buy her another Cosmopolitan (and that shoulda been your first sign) and she reveals all these deep, dark secrets and you feel a little tenderness at the beginning because it's cute how she thinks these episodes from her life are so fascinating even if they're more common than beer rings on paper coasters but after a while you start to tire of her going on and on about her 'insane multiple lives' when you've lived more most weekends. That's kinda what The Private Lives of Pippa Lee is like.

You know me and how sensitive i am, right? i feel kind of bad about trashing this movie because the book and screenplay were written by the director, Rebecca Miller, which means it's pro'lly autobiographical. Look, 'Becca (can i call you 'Becca?) i'm not knocking your life. i'm glad you've enjoyed so much success telling people about it but, babe, there's only one 'life' here and there isn't much living in that one.

Plus, i hate Keanu Reeves. Always have. He can't act. He could fake it in Matrix because Neo is a character who has the personality of someone who doesn't know how to act. But man, Keanu in a real movie? Makes you wish you had a case of whatever Kenneth Branagh was drinking when he tapped Kan'ya for Much Ado About Nothing. Anyway, K-boy drags this movie down in a big way and it wasn't even that far up there to begin with.

i will raise a glass to Blake Lively, however, who has a richer role here than in Gossip Girl and doesn't disappoint. Another drink to Alan Arkin who is like good whiskey: the older he gets, the better he is.

The other thing i liked was how much smoking there was in this movie. Pippa (Robin Wright Penn) and Young Pippa (Blake Lively) both smoke Marlboro Lights and there's something about close-ups of a girl smoking that really flare my hot box. The only minor disappointment was that Blake Lively is obviously not a smoker and was just going through the motions. A real smoker can tell.

As for the rest of the movie: it's slow, uneven and doesn't end at the right time. That's Life.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

i gotta give it something considering the sheer quantity of female glory that strolls through this thing...

Ironically, the only nude scene isn't the hottest part of the movie. It's by Christin Sawyer Davis who plays Shelly, Julianne Moore's lesbian lover. She undresses before getting into a sexy photo shoot (think Blake Lively in a pony tail and frilly diaper pretending to be a baby in a playpen or wearing a French maid's outfit with a leash). Here's a scene with Shelly spanking Young Pippa (Blake Lively):

Julianne Moore isn't in the film long but rocks as Kat, Pippa's aunt's lover. There is a nice girl/girl kiss between Kat (Moore) and Aunt Trish (Robin Weigert). The other nice part is that Kat never wears a bra and struts around the apartment in a tight knit thingy (ask a woman if you names for clothes). Kinda like this:

My other beautiful surprise in this film was seeing Winona Ryder again. Sure, she had a brief appearance in Star Trek (2009) but that was just a teaser to remind me of the days my cousin and i walked around singing (to the tune of "My Sharona"): Na na nanana Na Na nanana Na Na nanana My Winona!

Anyway, i was thrilled to see how truly beautiful she is, but even more, to see how excellent her performance was as Pippa's friend, Sandra. She was truly the funniest and most fun thing about the movie. Here are some shots of our little girl growing up:

Coming back to Blake Lively...

S'all Right, Babe. i Got Your Back.

 The movie stars Robin Wright Penn:

Finally, there was a surprise appearance by Monica Bellucci as Herb Lee's wife, Gigi Lee. Her role was short but she looked good filling it. Here's what i mean:

For Brandi Alexandra and any other women who have wandered into the bar...

Drink: 2 Shots

A quick 'rum through' of the notes i scribbled during the movie:

• The movie starts with a red wine toast at dinner to an editor and his wife, Pippa Lee.
• A bottle of red as a present at a party.
• Vodka martinis at a party.
• Young Pippa does cartwheels on the beach and hits from a wine bottle (red).
• Champagne at the divorce meeting and a drink to 'transformation'.

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

There's a song that young Pippa dances to in her room while on speed and i think it's "Still To Be Painted" by Pitcher's Pony but i can't find the song or confirmation.

There's a Dusty Springfield song ("I'll Love You For A While") but i can't scrape that up either.

Lucinda Williams' "I Lost It", rolls during the credits.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Rebecca Miller

Directed by: Rebecca Miller

Starring

Robin Wright Penn - Pippa Lee

Blake Lively - Young Pippa

Winona Ryder - Sandra Dulles

Julianne Moore - Kit

Monica Bellucci - Gigi Lee

Christin Sawyer Davis - Shelly

Alan Arkin - Herb Lee

Bottom Line

Don't see it, not even to score 'Chick Flick' points because chances are she won't like it either.

A Bar Stool Review of THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS

Yet another Sneak Peek. Yes, once again the powers that drink sent a film to Paris before the States. (U.S. limited release date is scheduled for Dec 25, 2009.)

Ramblings: The Imaginarium Of Terry Gilliam
Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you go to that one bar that's literally an underground club because it's in a basement lost somewhere at the bottom of some building and you don't go there a lot but when you do it's because it's the only tavern you know of where you can drink absinthe? You go there, you suckle the green fairy and you lay back and let the phantasms swoon inside you and some of them are dark and others are pleasant but you care more about the fact that you can let go of your mind and let your dreams do the thinking. Sure, sometimes the drink wears off and you feel the stupor laced ennui opium withdrawal but all you need to do is drink more and wait for the wormwood to worm its way back into your wood and set you free. Yeah, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is kinda like that.

Absinthe

Terry Gilliam is the only man alive who knows how to film our dreams. And when i say "dreams", i don't mean all that "pie in the sky, hopes and aspirations" crap; no, i'm talking about the spectacle you see only after you close your eyes. Watching The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is like dreaming with your eyes open, most of the time. It would have been a better film had it stayed in story mode but (here's the opium withdrawal part) it strayed into story telling and every writer should know it's not what you say but what you show.

Gilliam's Imaginarium is a cocktale (fairytale + cocktail = cocktale; get your minds out of the gutter) about choices. Perhaps a little over simplified into the choice between good and evil, but then it is a cocktale and things tend to be simpler there. Heath Ledger symbolizes what is known in the Tarot as the Hanged Man, a card which represents someone at a crossroads or someone who refuses to choose. Then, reminiscent of Job (thanks Brandi Alexandra!), there's good and the Devil making bets on the choices they dole out to us poor humans. What i'm drunk driving at here, is that Gilliam has done more than present us with a pretty picture, but painted an elaborate fable that i'm afraid this simple drinker would need to see more than once to grasp completely.

Technically, especially the 'mirror' scenes, the movie is flawless. CGI allows Gilliam to go farther and faster than he ever went in The Adventures of Baron Munchausen and The Imaginarium..., while suffering from Munchausen's syndrome, is a huge visual success.

The actors are amazing as well. Christopher Plummer is totally convincing as Parnassus. Heath Ledger does his normal wonderful job in his role, but it's a more traditional part than The Joker so he has less to work with. Lily Cole is the revelation of the movie for me, however, and not just because she's a hot, 21-year-old top model playing a 16-year-old virgin. She portrays the good doctor's daughter, Valentina (aka "Scrumpy"), with the perfect balance of innocence, rebellion and filial love. And then there's Tom Waits. Tom is just the coolest, hands down. All other contenders just give up your ghosts 'cause Waits owns the crown. i could freakin' listen to him read the warning labels on booze bottles for four hours and still not get tired of his voice. God Bless You, Tom (and The Devil, too).

As long as i'm talking about the actors, i'd like to drink a toast to Johnny Depp, who really came up to the bar to help Gilliam after Heath Ledger died, as well as Jude Law and Colin Farrell who did the same. The three actors (according to the Trivia section at IMDB ) "gave all the income they received for this movie to Heath Ledger's daughter Matilda so that her economic future would be secure." Another, bigger drink to the three lads.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

While there is no nudity (and don't make me go into another PG-13 rant again), Lily Cole is simply sublime. Ok, she's no Brandi Alexandra but there's only one of her and she's mine so forget about it. Speaking of Brandi, though, there are three links to my beloved in this movie:

1. She's hotter than Lily Cole
2. She has the same birthday as Lily Cole (well, same day, but the years are a little off)
3. She got her sleeve tattoo done by the same artist as Verne Troyer (who plays Percy here and was Mini Me in Austin Powers)

Ok, that's enough, you've even been thinking about B.A. too long so stop it and let's get back to how cute Lily Cole is. Like there's this scene where she rolls her own cigarette with her own mouth and i swear to god, i'd drink scotch and razor blades through an anal I.V. for a month if i could smoke a cigarette rolled off that tongue.

There's also a 'topless' scene where she sits on stage as Eve (and there's that 'choice' theme popping up again), but Gilliam blocks the good parts with her hair. Here's photo-not-graphic-enough proof:

Yeah, i can so buy that she's sixteen.

As for the rest of Lily:

Drink: 3 Shots

Actually, i was pleasantly surprised here.

A drunken lout in the opening scene falls through the mirror and into a lake of empties before being confronted with a choice. There's a huge, daunting pyramid with 12 craggy ledges he needs to climb to reach the pinnacle, and a reference to 'Twelve Steps' is engraved in the stone. The other choice is Tom Waits telling him there's free beer in his derby hat bar. Yeah, like you wouldn't have made the same choice this guy does...

Parnassus drinks regularly from a fifth, looks like gin to me but it could be another white alcohol. He has to go on stage passed out drunk, he wakes up with hangovers and once he looks like he's on his last legs when he's pronounced dead---drunk.

Anton (Andrew Garfield), another player in the troupe, drinks out of a fifth as he sadly sits on the banks of the Thames. Heath Ledger's character (Tony) comes over and joins him. Ahhh, i might even give up a cigarette made with Lily Cole spittle just to sit and have a drink with Heath. Ok, pro'lly not really, but i would give it a serious hard think.

You are missed, Heath.

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

'0' as in n0ne.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Terry Gilliam & Charles McKeown

Directed by: Terry Gilliam

Starring

Heath Ledger - Tony

Tom Waits - Mr. Nick

Lily Cole - Valentina

Christopher Plummer - Dr. Parnassus

Verne 'Mini Me' Troyer - Percy

Bottom Line

Make the choice: See it. Plus, you're giving money to Matilda Ledger if you do.