Bar Stool Review of MR. NOBODY

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Wallace Collection - Daydream

Ramblings: Mr Sumpin'

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you drink with a freak, someone truly unique? He talks about crap you don't know if it's over your head or is complete BS but for the most part you don't care as long as he looks cool and his bull doesn't get in the way of your sh*t. There's also this pressure to like the guy because he's kinda intellectual and if you don't wanna hang with him it means you're probably a little slow. Sometimes you wonder if the weirdo is just acting that way to be different or if he actually believes the babble he's spewing but time flows as smoothly as the booze and you don't check your watch so you might as well sit back and enjoy the ride. Mr. Nobody is that kind of unique.

Mr. Nobody is a movie about choices and about how alternate lives get led no matter what the choice made is. Like i could be in a bar and chose to drink a pint of Heineken, a bottle of red, or a coke. In "La La Land" all of those choices are made and all the separate me's go on to live their separate lives, ad nauseum (especially if i drink the bottle of wine and chose to keep drinking).

There's a lot of what Brandi Alexandra and i label "Woo-Woo Sh*t" going on in Mr. Nobody but most of the time the flick looked so damn good that the philosophy didn't get in the way of a good time. i'm not going to lie to you, Mr. Nobody is super philosophical and touches on quantum physics, the butterfly effect and string theory. It's all presented clearly enough but there's a lingering aftertaste of, "So what, none of this changes how i gotta pee after three beers."

What i'm saying is, don't see this movie buzzed, it's hard enough to follow even when your dead sober. Because the movie doesn't go in a straight line but in beautifully drawn circles and curlicues. There is no clear picture, even if the overall design is pretty. Still, considering all the risks Jaco van Dormael took with the directing, he could've gone out on a few more limbs with the story.

So yeah, it's worth seeing if you don't take it too seriously. Or, it's worth seeing if you take it very seriously. If you're just looking for something shiny and pretty to pass the time, choose to pass this one by.

Before we get in any deeper, i carded Clare Stone, who does a magnificent job as Elise at 15, and i couldn't find her birthdate anywhere. 'Cause of that i'll post her photos here---she's not allowed to go any further.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1/2 Shot

There's this crazy trend to have all these super hot girls in movies and to keep them as clothed as a sober Eskimo eating ice cream at Christmas. Seriously, you know what action we get here? Jared Leto nipple action. Twice. Just sayin'.

Diane Kruger (33), almost unrecognizable as a brunette, plays Anna gorgeously. The gorgeous part was easy, the acting part is pure talent, yo.

Sarah Polley (31) does a solid job of playing a whack job that resembles quite a few of my exes.

Coming in as the third wife, we've got Linh Dan Pham (36), Vietnamese but raised in France.

Playing Anna at 15, we got British actress Juno Temple who, at 20, is 5 years off the mark.

In a totally understated role (i'm not sure what i mean by this but i read it on a real blog somewhere and thought it sounded intelligent), there's Natasha Little (40) as Nemo's Mom:

Here are some of those Silken Butterflies that flit across the screen as briefly as they are beautiful:

Sarah Gravel was 'Sad Woman':

Here's Christelle Cornil (32---she was rockin' as Coma nurse 1, which means she kicked Coma nurse 2's ass) in The Bar None:

After that we have a little one for the ladies. A lot of web sites have been ripping poor little Jared Leto (38) a new one but i think he did a solid job here playing nine different roles. Sure, the makeup helped but he held his own and so y'all gotta stop hating on him just because he has more hair than you.

IN AN EXCLUSIVE SCOOP: i offer here irrefutable evidence that Jared Leto is, in fact, Jim Carrey and Jake Gyllenhaal's gay love child. Watch...

+ =

Here are some Jared shots...

Drink: 0 Shots

Not even a reference to drinking. Dry as a bone, babes. Wait, one of the songs is The Andrew Sisters doin' "Rum & Coca Cola". Yeah, like that counts for somethin'. Me doin' all The Andrew Sisters while they're messed up on Rum & Cokes...now that would count for something.



Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

Speaking of music...

Because Mr. Nobody is all about choices, you get to choose what to listen to as you polish off this blog.

Either Nena - 99 Luftballons

Or The Pixies - Where Is My Mind

Both are in the movie so either one counts.

While the music in Mr. Nobody isn't really rock, the songs they used were super eclectic and all kinds of styles. I'ma tell you something: The best thing about the movie is pro'lly the music 'cause the director, Jaco van Dormael, did an excellent job of matching the music to the feeling of the scene. Like Otis Redding's "For Your Precious Love" when young Nemo falls in love for the first time. Dead on.

The problem is, in Mr. Nobody the director hired one of his relatives to write the music and you can't believe how impossible it is to find a simple list of the real songs they borrowed for this freaking thing. Thank god for Brandi Alexandra who told me to do search in French. i found the following on some obscure blog and had to add a couple songs myself that were missing so i can't swear this is a complete list. Seriously though, you better read this whole list and freakin' memorize the damn thing 'cause you can't imagine how many hours i spent lookin' for it and what a pain in the ass it was to type it all up. Swear to god.

• Otis Redding - For Your Precious Love
• Cecilia Bartoli - Casta Diva
• Daniel Varsano - Troisieme Gymnopedie
• The Chordettes - Mister Sandman
• Emmylou Harris - Mister Sandman
• Gob - Mister Sandman
• Michel Simone - Pavane Op. 50
• The Academy Of St. Matrtin In The Field Chorus - Pavane OP. 50
• Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)
• Johann Sebastian Bach - Prelude
• Pixies - Where Is My Mind?
• Wallace Connection - Daydream
• Nena - 99 Luftballoons
• Ella Fitzgerald - Into Each Life Some Rain Must Fall
• Mstislav Rostropovich - Canto Primo (Sostenuto E Largamente)
• Henryk Gorecki - Three Pieces In Old Style
• Pascal Rogé - Gnossienne 3
• Eugenie de Mey - What Power Art Thou
• The Andrew Sisters - Rum And Coca Cola
• Benjamin Britten - Sentimental Saraband Poco Lento E Peasnte

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Jaco van Dormael

Directed by: Jaco van Dormael

Starring

Diane Kruger - Anna

Sarah Polley - Elise

Linh Dan Pham - Jean

Juno Temple - Anna age 15

Clare Stone - Elise age 15

Natasha Little - Nemo's mom

Sarah Gravel - Sad woman

Christelle Cornil - Coma nurse 1

Jared Leto - Nemo Nobody

Bottom Line

If you think $58 million for an experimental movie makes perfect sense, then you have the perfect mindset for Mr. Nobody.

Bar Stool Review of INVICTUS

Ramblings: Rugby Diplomacy

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you drink with heroes? Those people who make you feel better about yourself, not by getting drunker than you but simply by hanging with you. They've got this inner light thing going on which doesn't even come from the booze. What makes them rock so hard though, isn't that they succeed in being cool but that they don't even give a rat's ass what cool is supposed to be. The heroes i'm talking about are not amazing people; they're ordinary people, like me or maybe even you, who do heroic things. They inspire you to believe in the hero hiding inside you. Plus, they always pay for your drinks. Invictus is kinda like that, except for the paying for your drinks part.

Most sports films are the story of individuals surpassing their limitations. Invictus is the story of a nation doing it.

You couldn't swing a dead soldier in this movie without hitting something inspirational. Morgan Freeman's portrayal of Nelson Mandela is inspiring. The story of how Mandela used the 1995 Rugby World Cup in South Africa to unite that country's different peoples is an inspiration. And Clint Eastwood's directing is inspired, from the historical accuracy to the little surprises in predictable sequences, from the credible arena crowd shots to his varied camera use (TV news segments, dramatic tension, rugby action), Eastwood scored big here and proves, like wine i can't afford, that he's getting better with age.

There are only a couple stains in this picture. Like the music. He had his son Kyle brew some tunes and they came out like syrup: sticky sweet, slow and dragging the movie down. Apart from that, well, you know me. i'm a sensitive wuss and most of the film had me choked up like a beer belch that can't decide which way it wants to go. Still, like a player in a rugby match, Eastwood sometimes fumbled and went over the top; but even if his game strayed occasionally out of bounds, i still ended up having a ball.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Sure it wasn't the point of the flick, but there was absolutely no sex in Invictus. At all. Makes you wonder how South Africans reproduce. At least there were a lot of South African babes...

Like Marguerite Wheatley (28) who plays Nerine, Francois Pienaar's (Matt Damon) girlfriend (who he doesn't sleep with because it's South Africa and they apparently don't do that kind of thing 'down there').

Then there's Leleti Khumalo (39), who plays Mandela's assistant, Mary.

Bonnie Henna as Zindzi:

Not to mention Refiloe Mpakanyane as Jessie the secretary.

As for the men, of course there was Matt Damon (39).

Clint's son Scott Eastwood (23) has a small role of a key rugby player (like i can be bothered to look up the stupid name).

Drink: 2 Shots

You'll find the best drink references below in the Slurred Speeches portion of my show. Besides that, you have people drinking beer at home and in the bar while watching rugby. About as surprising as the ending.

Also, there was a scene at a formal reception and i'm guessing Eastwood used fake wine. The wine wasn't the deep red of real wine or the luminous pink of rosé but instead this odd tinge that Crayola would call fake wine if they made a crayon of it.

Rock & Roll: -1 Shot

SUBTLY HIGHLIGHTED THE OBVIOUS A LOT OVER AND OVER.

Slurred Speeches

In the locker room after a big loss, Team Captain Francois Pienaar (Damon) takes a beer from a cooler and makes the following toast to his depressed teammates:

PIENAAR: Everybody take a beer.

[This is an order. The entire team takes a beer, including Pienaar.]

PIENAAR: A toast ... [Pienaar cracks his beer, raises it up. They all crack and raise their beers.]

PIENAAR: ... to the taste of defeat. Drink it. Remember it. And promise yourself never to taste it again.

[Pienaar takes one long swig --]

PIENAAR: You’re right. It tastes like kuk.

[-- tosses his beer against the wall, so that it ruptures.

Eighteen other beers rupture against the wall. The dressing

room is awash with beer and foam -- and re-kindled passion.]

Here's the Beer Drinking Cheer the team chants in the bar while one of the players is drinking:

He´s a drunkard,
He´s true blue,
He´s a pisspot through and through.
He´s a bastard so they say,
Tried to go to heaven,
But he went the other way.

During the Finals, Mandela is sitting beside the President of New Zealand and they have this exchange:

MANDELA (to NZ P.M.): Perhaps we should make a small wager?
NEW ZEALAND P.M.: All your gold, for all our sheep?
MANDELA: I was thinking more along the lines of a case of wine.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Anthony Peckham (screenplay)

John Carlin (book)

Directed by: Clint Eastwood

Starring

Morgan Freeman - Nelson Mandela

Marguerite Wheatley - Nerine

Leleti Khumalo - Mary

Bonnie Henna - Zindzi

Refiloe Mpakanyane - Jessie

Matt Damon - Francois Pienaar

Scott Eastwood - Joel Stransky

Bottom Line

Like Pizza Night in The Bar None, this has something for everyone (though runts 15 and under will miss out on the historical significance).

Bar Stool Review of WHIP IT

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Tilly And The Wall - Pot Kettle Black

Ramblings: Whip It, Good

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a bunch of cool girls? They hang out in a group and some are cuter than others and they're less clean than they are cut and sure they talk too loud but they're rolling the good times and smoking hot. You drink them in and catch one of those forever buzzes you know will never fade until too soon. Because there's no way you're ever gonna get any, the pressure's off so you can just sit back in the good times and let yourself be carried along by their wave while you catch yourself smiling, practically joking, and you can't even blame it all on the booze. As young as the night, they're independent like the rock they play nonstop from the juice box and sometimes they try too hard but that's part of their charm. They don't swear right, dance badly, and can't pull off a fist pump but that's what gives them the luster of Suicide little girls. They're careless but not because they couldn't care less, they're just living for the moment and they want you to come along for the ride. If you're ever lucky enough to get swept along by a bunch of girls like this, hold your breath and keep your eyes wide shut so you don't wake up from their dream. Whip It is kind of like that.

Drew Barrymore has concocted a finely brewed movie. Like an indie John Hughes flick (though this isn't as alternative as it tries to be---let's call it No Alternative), Whip It is a coming of age movie for the grrrls of today. Strong female roles give the movie the kick of a Mike's Hard Lemonade six pack drunk straight from the bottle. [A special shout out to Brandi Alexandra for her insightful comments about John Hughes.]

Shauna Cross--The Real Life Maggie Mayhem-- Author Of "Derby Girl" And "Whip It"

No, it's not a perfect movie. Like i just said, it tries too hard to be Juno on keg beer and the soundtrack is just a little too perfect to be anything but market studied. And some of the lines fall as flat as one of those English beers they drink warm for no apparent reason other than to show off how odd they are.

But these little flies in the punch bowl don't get in the way of a good time. The roller derby names alone are enough reason to see the film. (Bliss Cavendar's derby name is Babe Ruthless and she skates for a team called The Hurl Scouts. Other skaters are known as Jackie Daniels, Iron Maven, Bloody Holly, Rosa Sparks, Smashley Simpson, Juana Beat'n and Jaba the Slut.) Yeah, the whole Roller Derby thing really worked for me.

Whip It will treat you like good beer: not a lot of sustenance but it'll get you where you wanna go.

Before things heat up, i gotta card Eulala Scheel who's only 11. She plays Bliss's sister, Shania, and is Marcia Gay Harden's daughter both in the film and real life.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 Shots

i'm being a little generous here because the only sex seen [sick] is in a pool between Bliss 'Babe Ruthless' Cavendar (Ellen Page) and her indie rock boyfriend, Oliver (played by real life indie coffee shop troubadour Landon Pigg). Even there, the only sex that's seen is Ellen Page undressing to her bra and panties underwater.

Still, there's enough talent in this movie that y'all are gonna hafta sit back and enjoy the ride 'cause i got a pack of sexy to deal with.

Let's get this derby rolling with Drew Barrymore. Whip It is her first movie as director and she also gave herself a supporting role as Smashley Simpson.

Apparently Drew And Ellen Became Friends

Close Friends

Very Close Friends

Apart from the bra and panties in the pool, we also get Ellen Page (22, playing a 17-year-old) undressing to her bra on the street to switch t-shirts with her boyfriend. Plus, if Ellen Page isn't just as cute as the dickens i don't know who is--- i wanted to reach out and pinch her little cheeks, especially because she spends most of the movie in shorts.

Alia Shawkat (20) plays Pash, Bliss' best friend. There's a scene of them sleeping in the same bed which gets up my nose because Ellen Page is sleeping with her bra beneath PJ's and y'all know how that gets my Grey Goose.

Brooke Cavendar, Bliss' mom, is portrayed by Marcia Gay Harden who looks great at 50.

As for the skaters, Juliette Lewis (36) is Iron Maven. Juliette Lewis is the coolest with no qualifiers because that would diminish her coolness. She. Is. The. Coolest. Apart from Brandi Alexandra, obviously, who is the coolest Ever.

The rest of the skaters...

Rachel Bockheim (31) appears in the movie as Jackie Daniels. She's also a real life skater for the Grand Raggidy Roller Girls in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and was a technical advisor for the flick.

Kristen Wiig (36) is Maggie Mayhem:

Ari Graynor (26) as Eva Destruction:

Eve (31) as Rosa Sparks:

And Zoe Bell (31---the Kiwi stuntwoman Tarantino used in Death Proof) as Bloody Holly:

And, just in case one or two riot grrls stumbled in here, i'm offering up Andrew Wilson (45) who plays the coach, Razor:

and Landon Pigg (26) who plays the love interest:

Drink: 2 Shots

Nothing spectacular but everything looks better after the Twilight 2: New Moon debacle.

At least in Whip It there's pitchers of beer being heavily consumed at an after-derby party and one of the skaters in a keg stand (when two people help balance a third doing a headstand on a keg while a fourth partier opens the tap into their mouth--invented by college students who simultaneously reasoned this position would help alcohol reach the brain faster and frightened me for the future of every 'civilized' nation).

There's also Pash, who's underage, drinking after a game and who chucks her beer as a cop approaches. She gets busted for drinking, a 'minor' offense. Earlier, Pash gets so drunk at another party that she has to stop making out with a guy in the shower so Bliss can encourage her to barf by telling her to imagine her parents having sex, down to her dad's jiggling ball sack.

Oh yeah, also Bliss catches her dad drinking beer and watching a football game in a van. She asks for a beer, he refuses but tells her she can have a sip of his. She distracts him and chugs the beer in under a minute, belching loudly as she clears out.

That, and the Hurl Scouts spend a lot of downtime hanging out in a bar.

Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots

i already bitched a couple times about how i found this a little too contrived and not enough rock, so i'll shut up about that.

There is another song i'd like to share with ya'll, though:

Here's the track listing:

1. Tilly and the Wall - Pot Kettle Black

2. The Ramones - Sheena Is a Punk Rocker

3. Cut Chemist, Hymnal - What’s the Attitude

4. The Breeders - Bang on

5. The Raveonettes - Dead Sound

6. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - Blue Turning Grey

7. Jens Lekman - Your Arms Around Me

8. Gotye - Learnalilgivinanlovin

9. Peaches - Boys Wanna Be Her

10. Dolly Parton - Jolene

11. .38 Special - Caught Up in You

12. Adam Green, Har Mar - Superstar Never My Love

13. Goose - Black Gloves

14. The Ettes - Crown of Age

15. Landon Pigg, Turbo Fruits - High Times

16. Little Joy - Unattainable

17. The Chordettes - Lollipop (Squeak E. Clean & Desert Eagles Remix)

18. The Go! Team - Doing It Right

19. Apollo Sunshine - Breeze

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Shauna Cross (book and screenplay)

Directed by: Drew Barrymore

Starring

Ellen Page - Bliss 'Babe Ruthless' Cavendar

Alia Shawkat - Pash

Drew Barrymore - Smashley Simpson

Eulala Scheel- Shania Cavendar

Marcia Gay Harden - Brooke Cavendar

Juliette Lewis - Iron Maven

Rachel Bockheim / Jackie Daniels - Jackie Daniels

Kristen Wiig - Maggie Mayhem

Ari Graynor - Eva Destruction

Eve - Rosa Sparks

Zoe Bell - Bloody Holly

Andrew Wilson - Razor

Landon Pigg - Oliver

Bottom Line

See it.