Bar Stool Review of INVICTUS

Ramblings: Rugby Diplomacy

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you drink with heroes? Those people who make you feel better about yourself, not by getting drunker than you but simply by hanging with you. They've got this inner light thing going on which doesn't even come from the booze. What makes them rock so hard though, isn't that they succeed in being cool but that they don't even give a rat's ass what cool is supposed to be. The heroes i'm talking about are not amazing people; they're ordinary people, like me or maybe even you, who do heroic things. They inspire you to believe in the hero hiding inside you. Plus, they always pay for your drinks. Invictus is kinda like that, except for the paying for your drinks part.

Most sports films are the story of individuals surpassing their limitations. Invictus is the story of a nation doing it.

You couldn't swing a dead soldier in this movie without hitting something inspirational. Morgan Freeman's portrayal of Nelson Mandela is inspiring. The story of how Mandela used the 1995 Rugby World Cup in South Africa to unite that country's different peoples is an inspiration. And Clint Eastwood's directing is inspired, from the historical accuracy to the little surprises in predictable sequences, from the credible arena crowd shots to his varied camera use (TV news segments, dramatic tension, rugby action), Eastwood scored big here and proves, like wine i can't afford, that he's getting better with age.

There are only a couple stains in this picture. Like the music. He had his son Kyle brew some tunes and they came out like syrup: sticky sweet, slow and dragging the movie down. Apart from that, well, you know me. i'm a sensitive wuss and most of the film had me choked up like a beer belch that can't decide which way it wants to go. Still, like a player in a rugby match, Eastwood sometimes fumbled and went over the top; but even if his game strayed occasionally out of bounds, i still ended up having a ball.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Sure it wasn't the point of the flick, but there was absolutely no sex in Invictus. At all. Makes you wonder how South Africans reproduce. At least there were a lot of South African babes...

Like Marguerite Wheatley (28) who plays Nerine, Francois Pienaar's (Matt Damon) girlfriend (who he doesn't sleep with because it's South Africa and they apparently don't do that kind of thing 'down there').

Then there's Leleti Khumalo (39), who plays Mandela's assistant, Mary.

Bonnie Henna as Zindzi:

Not to mention Refiloe Mpakanyane as Jessie the secretary.

As for the men, of course there was Matt Damon (39).

Clint's son Scott Eastwood (23) has a small role of a key rugby player (like i can be bothered to look up the stupid name).

Drink: 2 Shots

You'll find the best drink references below in the Slurred Speeches portion of my show. Besides that, you have people drinking beer at home and in the bar while watching rugby. About as surprising as the ending.

Also, there was a scene at a formal reception and i'm guessing Eastwood used fake wine. The wine wasn't the deep red of real wine or the luminous pink of rosé but instead this odd tinge that Crayola would call fake wine if they made a crayon of it.

Rock & Roll: -1 Shot

SUBTLY HIGHLIGHTED THE OBVIOUS A LOT OVER AND OVER.

Slurred Speeches

In the locker room after a big loss, Team Captain Francois Pienaar (Damon) takes a beer from a cooler and makes the following toast to his depressed teammates:

PIENAAR: Everybody take a beer.

[This is an order. The entire team takes a beer, including Pienaar.]

PIENAAR: A toast ... [Pienaar cracks his beer, raises it up. They all crack and raise their beers.]

PIENAAR: ... to the taste of defeat. Drink it. Remember it. And promise yourself never to taste it again.

[Pienaar takes one long swig --]

PIENAAR: You’re right. It tastes like kuk.

[-- tosses his beer against the wall, so that it ruptures.

Eighteen other beers rupture against the wall. The dressing

room is awash with beer and foam -- and re-kindled passion.]

Here's the Beer Drinking Cheer the team chants in the bar while one of the players is drinking:

He´s a drunkard,
He´s true blue,
He´s a pisspot through and through.
He´s a bastard so they say,
Tried to go to heaven,
But he went the other way.

During the Finals, Mandela is sitting beside the President of New Zealand and they have this exchange:

MANDELA (to NZ P.M.): Perhaps we should make a small wager?
NEW ZEALAND P.M.: All your gold, for all our sheep?
MANDELA: I was thinking more along the lines of a case of wine.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Anthony Peckham (screenplay)

John Carlin (book)

Directed by: Clint Eastwood

Starring

Morgan Freeman - Nelson Mandela

Marguerite Wheatley - Nerine

Leleti Khumalo - Mary

Bonnie Henna - Zindzi

Refiloe Mpakanyane - Jessie

Matt Damon - Francois Pienaar

Scott Eastwood - Joel Stransky

Bottom Line

Like Pizza Night in The Bar None, this has something for everyone (though runts 15 and under will miss out on the historical significance).