Bar Stool Review of Bright Star

Ramblings: Bright Star A Little Dull

Final Proof: 1 Shot

You know how you drink with John Keats? Sure he died going on 300 years ago so he doesn't have a whole lot to offer up by way of conversation and he really isn't super interesting but at least he doesn't drink much and you can steal his drinks easily and after a couple bottles of wine you don't have to pretend to pay attention---you can just nod off whenever you want and wake up refreshed another round. That's the way it is with Bright Star.

i had a bottle and a half of red before i saw this and, to be honest, i slept through the middle third but Brandi Alexandra is a fan of everything Jane Eyre wrote and tells me the scenery was shot superbly.

i was awake long enough to notice that Abbie Cornish (as Frances 'Fanny' Brawne) does a great job of acting boring and also does a great job of looking plain when she's really pretty hot. Paul Schneider (Charles Armitage Brown) was kind of annoying because he did so well injecting life into his character that i couldn't doze off until his appearances thinned out.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Brandi tells me i fell asleep during the kissing scenes and she insists they were hot.

Also hot is Abbie Cornish (27). She has these cool double moles on the left side of her face so when you get bored---and trust me, you will get bored---you can look for those moles in the different scenes. Hell, if you watch it on DVD you could even make a drinking game out of it: take a double shot every time you see the double moles.

At The Bar

Here's Ben Whishaw (29), who plays John Keats:

Drink: 0 Shots

Get real.

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots...

...though according to Brandi, rock and roll wouldn't exist without the romantic poets. i told her rock wouldn't exist without spirituals and the blues, but she stood by her guns and i get to sleep with her so there was no way i was going to mess that up. As you're not in the same sheets, you bring it up with her.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Jane Campion

Directed by: Jane Campion

Starring

Abbie Cornish - Frances 'Franny' Brawne

Ben Whishaw - John Keats

Paul Schneider - Charles Armitage Brown

Bottom Line

Don't see it unless you have sleeping problems or are a fan of Jane Eyre crap.